Butterflies

       We found out that our last hope of finding out what happened to our sweet boy is gone.  The genetic screening for heart rhythm problems came back negative.  Russ and I just felt like we were thrown backwards to that day and the familiar place of such despair.  How will we go on without our Jacob and without knowing why...or how?  He was healthy and perfect...and alive and sweet...and gone.  He wasn't healthy?  He was and his heart stopped?  That doesn't happen..he had a virus.  And so I spiral.
       At some point it has to end.  Our baby is gone and yet Colin is here and somehow so are we.  We talked in counseling yesterday how hard it is for me to hear people who really do mean well--I know they do---say--I am a better mom, better person, I love my children more now.  It hurts my heart so much because I didn't want Jacob to die and be the reason others are better parents-- I think how they have their children to love more and I don't..and it hurts.  I wish it didn't hurt so much.  Oh Jacob, I would give anything..give up anything..and I mean anything...to just kiss your chubby little cheek one more time.  That kind of longing and want is indescribable.
       So I beg and plead...maybe to God..when I am struggling with my faith and hurt, just out loud to no one...I plead to see him again...see him somehow in our lives still, or even in a dream.  I want to know that somehow, he is still with me. People relate butterflies to childhood death because they live for such a short time and are so beautiful.  My neighbor, who lost her sweet little girl when she was 3 years old, sent me a picture of two butterflies who were flying around our yards and how she thought of Jacob and Lillie.  I have seen them lately in our yard and I think of Jacob and Lillie. Maybe they are playing in heaven.  Then,  I got the call from the genetics doctor when I was at the pool with Colin and a dear friend (thankful for her presence because don't know what I would have done).  I saw the number on my pager and I immediately felt the weight of my grief crushing.  I sat down alone on the basketball court that Jacob loved and could see him running around as my already broken heart broke just a little more hearing her words cut like a knife.  No answer.  "We will never know- I don't know how one does this and lives not knowing but we just have no answer."  A butterfly appeared right then and as I sat listening to her words, I saw it dance around in front of my eyes- so beautiful and seemingly happy--just like my Jacob.  
       When your little boy dies who was seemingly so very perfect and healthy and very well may have been, and no one can tell you why--or how--you enter into a new struggle with mind and heart.  How will I protect Colin? Can I still have more children? How will I protect them?  I am a doctor and didn't see anything..how can I protect them? I can't so I won't have more...but that thought hurts so much.  I still feel like I am going to see Jacob in a few minutes.  He can't be gone..he has to be in his crib, with our sitter, at home.  It hurts so much.  I am scared for what it will feel like when I stop feeling that way too.  I am told by others who have gone through this nightmare that about 6 months after, that feeling subsides and it is another valley.  I am tired of the valleys...physically tired.
         This week in this new low, I have become withdrawn from my life--in the same way I did in the weeks after losing Jacob.  I faked it through work-I have become a master at a facade of "ok".  I feel really alone with a feeling of nowhere to turn.  But I do turn to Russ--he hurts so much too though.  Last night we layed in bed foreheads pressed against each others crying so hard I didn't know who's tears were on my cheek..mine or his...I felt my heart break a little more.
          I want this to change.  For now I am going to will my little family to make it through just tomorrow.  I will think of my little guy a thousand times and will continue to tell stories to Colin and love him with every part of what is left of me tomorrow and I hope I am able to see some signs that Jake is still with us. I miss you angel...

      

Nana's Beach

I think I cried all the way between Raleigh and Topsail.  Jake really loved "Nana's beach" when we took him to dig in the sand a few weeks before he died.  I couldn't wait to take him this summer because for the first time they were really going to really love it. I am such an anticipator with my buddies.  I would get so excited that Russ would refer to me as a toddler right before Christmas and their birthdays, Great Wolf Lodge, Vacations, Halloween, Easter, even Valentines Day..I just loved to do special things for them and it was so fun to see how excited they would get with each other.  I can't help but wonder if I will ever be this way again.  Will I ever decorate our house again for Christmas and be excited--really and truly excited? Will I ever look forward to a vacation again and be truly excited?  But Colin...but Colin.  I love him and this enormous love so far has saved me and I want it for him. I do.

I sat in the sand staring at the enormity of the water in front of me and just longed to feel closer to him...looking over at Colin though carrying his bucket proudly over to his cousin whom he adores, all I could feel was loss--Jacob adored her too...Jacob adored Nana and her beach too...All I could feel was that hole that sucks me in and makes me physically sick from a feeling of falling.  I couldn't wait to see them play in the sand this year and run in the surf.  Such a simple thought that made me so incredibly happy to imagine in anticipation now just resulted in me crying myself to sleep every night at the beach.

I know it is just another one of these "firsts" without our baby.  I looked around at other people with their children and felt that hole and envy of the carefree happiness I saw everywhere.   I again wondered if Russ and I will ever be able to get there again.  It doesn't seem possible honestly.  I was so happy to have my mom there playing with Colin in the ocean making him smile seeing her smile beyond all of her pain having lost Jake and in a way...me.  I was so happy to have my cousin sitting next to me in the sand and my little cousin happily playing with Colin letting him imitate her every move.  It gave me some comfort.   Again though, I thought about the statistic..1 in 100,000...why our Jacob..why Russ, Colin and me.  Why?  I see so much pain in eyes of abused children, I see so many parents who just don't care about their children which is totally unfathomable to me--I know it sounds terrible, but I hear of so many people who abort children because they find out they aren't going to be perfect.  It kills me.  Why did this have to happen to our family.  Why if there has to be that 1 in 100,000, why did it have to be him????  I miss him so much.

Our heartache has gotten a little deeper over the past few weeks as friends and some family go "back" to their lives.  I knew it would happen--I just didn't know how much it would really hurt.  My heart is still in a million pieces.  I still sob so hard I can't breathe every day. I know it sounds terrible and completely irrational but I feel like screaming sometimes, "please I still need you so much- Jacob is gone- he died and he was perfect.  He had something fatally wrong with him and we had no idea, we missed it and still have no idea- I am so desperately sad still" but I know I can't. I still hide an enormous amount of pain behind a usually forced smile and an appearance of--I can do this.  The truth is--I don't know that I can. I hurt way deeper than I ever did.  My feelings are hurt so much easier.  I feel the "loss" as I realize that in some friendships there was a temporary closeness as they grieved for Jacob or maybe just the thought of it being their own child and then they slowly fade from our more everyday lives.  This is the kind of thing, that I could handle in stride before.  Now it feels so personal--I know its not but it feels like I am being punched in the stomach and it stings. Still, I think we have both discovered the friendships and family relationships that help us out of "the hole" over and over and we are so thankful because it really has yet to get any more shallow.

I hope that over time, our hole fills in, little by little. I pray that our love for Jacob and the memory of him and the sheer and utter joy he brought to us and everyone around him will help it fill up...little by little I hope it fills up. Grain by grain....I hope we can find our way to level ground again with some joy and even anticipation...until I see you again Jacob and hold you in my arms. 

Is He crying?

The morning Jacob died- not in the hospital but the morning of March 24th when I truly believe Jacob went home to heaven- was a rainy morning.  The sun didn't shine that day at all. I remember thinking snuggling with Colin in bed before we knew that Jacob had passed away believing he was getting some much needed extra sleep that his brother never let him have...that I just couldn't wait to spend the rainy day with my boys in their PJs.  I thought how we wouldn't get dressed and I smiled.  I loved them so much and I remember my feelings of happiness, love, warmth and just peace that morning thinking about being with all three of my boys that day with no particular plans--such a rare event.

That feeling is palpable to me and yet almost indescribable and I fear that I know that I will never again feel such peace...such joy and expectation...such love and happiness as I did that rainy morning before my world crumbled and my heart broke into a million pieces.  I hear my screams that came after that my sweet baby was dead and again just like so many times that I have cried since then, I don't even recognize what or who I am hearing.  Is that me?  The sobbing and screaming come from such a deep place of sorrow and despair that I can't even recognize it.

Since that day, it seems that it has been raining ever since.  A dear friend of mine bought us a rain gauge and I can't count the number of times I have had to pour it out as it reached 10 inches.  It occurred to me yesterday that maybe...just maybe, God was crying for us that day and so it was reflected in the rain...and just maybe, God has been crying so much ever since--just like Russ and me.

My grief is overwhelming.  For some reason, it feels it is getting worse. I sometimes thought that time would help.  So far, time has not been our friend.  Lately Russ and I just struggle with my thoughts of that morning and why this happened.  I struggle with all consuming (literally) guilt and blame.  What could I have done differently? Did he suffer? Did he struggle and wonder where his "mama" was?  Did he think I left him and I let him struggle? Oh God, please give me a peace that he didn't struggle, that you took him home in peace and he never knew to be scared.  Please give me some sign that he was taken home in an instant, that he went to sleep knowing he was loved and the next thing he knew, he was in eternal loveliness and joy in heaven.  I can't go on with this question and so I pray this everyday.  I often thought it was wrong to pray for a "sign" or be told of Gods presence because that is not true faith.  Faith is believing without seeing...but I need to see.  I need to know I will see him again and I didn't let my baby suffer and die.  I don't understand. I still watch the video from the fateful birthday party the day before..I watch it over and over looking for some sign that he was going to die hours later.  He looked so happy.  He looked so incredibly alive and smart and sweet and cute.  He ate cupcakes and picked up Easter eggs.  He smiled and then he whined.  Did the whine mean something, did I miss something?  I miss you so much my baby boy. I loved you more each day which I never could have imagined possible after the way I felt the first day I met you- but here I am my heart spilling with love for you and I know that will never change.  I want to hold you again.

I hold Colin and hug him so incredibly tight. I watch him breathe, I smile at his sweet face and think about his truly kind spirit to others.  Colin is so adorable.  People still stop me in stores and out commenting how beautiful he is, how pretty his hair, how sweet his face and eyes.  I always got so much attention with the boys and always believed it was just because they were twins- blonde twins and were maybe just a sight to people.  I just assumed that would stop and when people stop me with Colin now, I look at him and just feel so very proud of this vibrant, smart, kind little boy.  He speaks with prepositions and long sentences- his thought processes are crazy for a 2 1/2 year old and I just love him so much.  He is my world right now and I am so thankful for him.  I always tell him he is my "love bunk."  Today, out of the blue, he said, "Mommy, are you my love bunk?" I looked over at him today playing sweetly and independently with his blocks singing to himself and again, my heart broke for him...he should have his twin brother to play with.  It's not fair.  It just can't be right and I wish it was different for him.  Still, he has adjusted and he is so resilient.  I admire my little person and his spirit and his confidence. 

I love you Colin for all that you are to me and your daddy.  I love you Jacob for all who you are to our family and always will be---and I can't wait to hold you again.

For now, the rain are tears...

Jammies

The other night I was cleaning out some of Colin's drawers.  Before we had gotten home from withdrawing support on Jacob, I had asked my mom to help take out at least the double clothes and the highchair because I knew that I just would not be able to survive seeing them right away.  There were days right after when I realized that was a mistake.  I miss him so badly, I want to see him everywhere- honestly I do anyway.  I walk up the stairs holding the railing and see him climbing up the outside and sliding down the slats (this almost always made my heart skip a beat before I could tell him to get down).  I look out the corner window of our family room and see Jake sitting below the window with the sunlight shining on his golden white hair with his legs stretched out and 10 books piled up around him slowly and carefully turning each page--a sight that always made me stop in my tracks and feel such immense love that it almost felt overwhelming.  I go down the basement stairs behind Colin and I see Jacob walking next to him, holding his hand--another heart stopping moment for me when he was alive.  So being a little sad that his things were moved didn't really end up mattering too much because I see him everywhere...all the time.  This is a source of comfort as well as can be a huge source of such intense pain, that I honestly can't handle the thought of taking another breath.  Crushing grief. 

I thought I had gotten all the winter PJs out when I pulled out two last pairs.  The sight made me burst into tears- something that I try not to do when I can in front of Colin but it just hit me so hard- it felt like I had been hit with a sledge hammer..again...to see two of these jammies.  They were Jakes favorite- covered in "bagutballs and soccer balls and footballs!!"  He said the same thing every time I put them on with a smile ear to ear.  There were two of them- just like I had two of everything.  2 of every shirt, every pair of pants, socks, cribs, highchairs, car seats, bikes, cars, balls, placemats, growth charts, cups, spoons, blankets.  This is too much.  I don't know how to do 1.  I never had 1.  Two is my world and I live for TWO boys, TWO loves of my life and I hate that he is gone and I now have to look at two of everything in desperation.  Most minutes of everyday, its torture.   I hate that Colin has to grow up without him by his side too.  I hate that every birthday, Christmas, graduation...he will feel a loss.  I would do anything to change it for him.  My heart was torn apart that morning when Russ handed me Jacobs lifeless little body with his sweet chubby feet and beautiful hair and birth mark that I adored.  My two became one...and half of my heart died.  I wish I just held him tight and hugged him because I never got to again.  The next time I saw him, he had tubes, and IVs and wires and blood everwhere.  Our perfect little boy full of such life was unrecognizable and I should have just held him in my arms and hugged him.  I would give anything to have him back in my arms.  Now I hold one in my arms and one in my heart, separated for now but never far apart.  I love you Jacob Edwin and Colin Joseph.  Forever I will love you both with all of me. 

Surrounded

Today I am reminded that Russ and I have only lived here in this town for a relatively short time- a little less than 2 years and going through the tragedy of losing our baby has made me realize that I have some of the most amazing and loving friends.  I just put Colin to bed and reflected on my day..on my week.  I thought about last night when I cried myself to sleep...again sobbing so desperately that my breath was taken from my lungs as they felt like they were collapsing, I thought about missing my husband who is away this week and wondering what it must be like to be away from us hoping that being able to fulfill a mini dream of his to go to Wimbledon helped just a little....Then I thought of my friends here--some older and some really newer and some of their husbands.  These are the women who have helped carry me through the everyday since Jacob died---who put their lives on hold sometimes to be there for me--to really be there--even if it meant telling me a silly story to try and make me laugh ( I remember a good one about an accidental text from a stranger revealing some very shady details that still makes me smile) or taking me and Colin to the Children's museum, helping me clean, inviting me over while they clean, making us dinner, listening to me, crying with me, smiling with me, texting me, praying for me....These women in my life are not just casual friends- they are deep down, cry till I cant breathe, laugh till I cry, true and honest, reliable, can't-do-without, amazing friends- they are like sisters to me.

  I don't know if these women will ever know how much they mean to me or how much they have helped me get up and go on in so many moments.  Today, I had a session with our counselor and these sessions are precious to me because they help me- I look forward to them immensely.  I didn't want to miss it this week even though Russ is away.  I have had a rough 2 days without him and hearing Colin talk about things that ripped my heart out and made me really worry about him, and of course the ever-present missing Jacob and crushing grief-- I needed that session today and unfortunately there was a mix up with the schedule and he couldn't see me when I got there.  I went and layed on Jacob's memorial for the hour and sobbed.  Then I stood up, went home and made myself keep my plans for Colin and I that afternoon and went to a friends house.  Today, she got me up and got me through that moment and  I bet she doesn't even know it.  She listened to me instead and reassured me about Colin and gave me words of hope.  I can't count the number of times this has happened over the last 3 months.  My closest friend came and sat with me every single day for weeks after Jacob died.  She told me once she felt like she wasn't/hadn't done enough...she had no idea what she had done for me just showing me her love in her actions and always saying things that give me hope- hope for a future again and for some joy again- I believe her when she says these things even if not for more than a little while and that is more of a gift than I can say.  I remember a time when I was having a particularly hard morning and couldn't get dressed- Colin was at school and I missed him.  I was going through pictured on my Jake on my phone when my close friend texted and said come over and be with me while I go through toys.  I got dressed--it was her that morning.  Another friend had planned a date night with her husband to a wine festival.  The day before I was thinking how sad I was that it felt like Russ and I had lost eachother a little and it was too hard to plan anything.  That friend asked Russ and I out on that date and made us feel like it was part of their plan from the start.  I just cant count the number of times.  My nurses who are my friends-oh these women- they have no idea--from meeting me in parking lots to walk by my side because I just cant walk into the place my baby died to take care of other peoples babies to giving gentle nods knowing when I am about to lose it in an operating room looking at a child intubated reliving seeing my baby dying--these friends help me be a doctor even for just that moment.  Countless times....

The truth is no one can do anything to heal this--last night I put Colin to bed and layed on the floor in my room.   I called out in the silence that my baby is dead and hearing those words come out of my mouth in sobs is indescribable..but what these women do is help me get through these moments and just get through the everyday sometimes- right now that is an enourmous gift and Russ has the same experience with so many of his friends here.  

I, in the most desperately sad time of my life- I know I am surrounded.  After just two years,  we are surrounded---and so along with all of our family--it might just be impossible with all of these hands pulling us up with such strength, love and resolve---to fall so far into this hole that we are completely lost. 

Mommy loves you Jake...

I love you Colin

Oh that baby.  I don't know what I would do...where I would be without him.  People say that phrase all the time- I did too and it wasn't until now that I really learned the deepest meaning of it.  My love for him is the reason I, with great resolve, struggle painfully to take my next step..my next breath some days.  My love for him and for Russ go so incredibly deep and only in Colin's laugh and in his eyes and his sleeping face that I am watching though the monitor right now, in his smart little phrases and thoughts, in his caring spirit, in his beautiful curls, and in his sweet kisses---can I even begin to see glimmer of true joy.  And it's you little boy that makes us laugh during a time when our whole world has been flipped.  On the way to the airport the other morning in dark silence at 3 in the morning (long story why this was happening), Russ and I drove along and out of the quietness, came his sweet little voice--"I was born at Houston.  Isn't that crazy Mommy, Daddy."  Russ and I burst out laughing. Where does he even come up with this.  He told my mom today after she was nagging me a little-imagine that ;), "Be gentle to mommy, Nana."  Again, I was able to laugh-really laugh.

 It happens so rarely these days.  True smiles and real happiness.  We used to have joy- not all the time of course- but our undercurrent really was happiness with occasional sadness and hurt.  Now it is the complete opposite.  My undercurrent is mostly sadness and desperate longing with occasional moments of smiling--distraction but once we leave work, leave our friends, walk away from temporary distraction, we fall to our knees again.  Russ and I often walk around especially early in the morning before Colin wakes up and at night- the nights are so hard- in a daze.  Sometimes our silence is deafeningly loud and our crying so heart wrenching.  I wake up most mornings with my hair behind my ears soaked with tears and I listen sometimes at night or in the early morning to my husband sobbing.  There-is-nothing-worse-I-could-ever-imagine.  Losing my baby sometimes feels like I am dying slowly. Every time I think of his hair and his eyes and things that he said, I am crushed with images of my babies face a terrifying color blue and his body limp as Russ handed him to me in a panic...I relive my worst fear coming true before my eyes that morning and I can't breathe.  I don't mean that philosophically- I physically can't breathe-then I gasp-- suck in air and hear a cry that I have never heard come from myself.  It's as if I am listening to someone else- what is this pain? How long will it last and will we ever be able to "flip" back again?  I honestly don't see how but I need to believe with every part of me that we can get some joy back- real happiness not just temporary distraction smiling--and remember Jacob of course with sadness missing him, but also with joy for knowing him- joy that he is in my heart. 

Our so very gifted counselor who I believe was meant for Russ and I, urges me often to slow down, stay here--in this moment--try to not jump to the fears and worries of the future.  So for now I take anything I can get and I live for those temporary moments and the source of my true joy----I love you Colin.  I love you Russ. 

I love you Jacob.  I want you so badly, that in these hours of the night when I can't stop watching Colin breathe through the monitor, I am not aware of a possibility of going on without you. I don't see how I can when I look at this picture and I all I feel is ridiculous longing to take you to the beach this summer, to hug you, to kiss you harder than I ever have- I feel angry and lost and hopeless and empty...

You were me and are me and always will be a part of every ounce of me and every second and minute of my everyday.  I am still here 90 days later-and for now I am going to resolve again to live for your brother who is just a much my heart and who says he misses you and says your name everyday--and for your daddy--the first Kratzer boy I loved.  And the rest, please help me God-please.

You should...

Sometimes its hard to hear all the "you should's"  We know it comes from a place of love and from the people that matter most to us and sometimes it helps.  A lot of time it hurts beyond words.  It hurts because I just think sometimes, what I wouldn't give to be able to just do the things that are told to us...focus on Colin, focus on Russ, focus on your home, your friends, your patients, your blessings.  The problem is, these are the things that I used to do with such ease..at the forefront of it all--at the bottom of it all though was Jacob and Colin...not just Colin and not just Jacob.  Jacob is gone and the foundation of it all has tumbled.  All the other things I cared about- the things that made me me--the me that I achingly miss-- have come crashing down and I can't seem to focus on anything but my loss- my grief- my emptiness, the hole that is gaping once filled with overwhelming, heart bleeding love for Jacob.  His absence is as loud and ever-present as his presence.  Sometimes I drive down the road and I reach my hand back into the car seat behind me and I feel that he is there- but then I know he is not.  I still hope he is though, maybe he is- I miss him so much that those words don't even seem anywhere near adequate.  I miss me and all the "should's" that once made me who I was.  I was a mom who laughed and loved all day long, who cared to cook and clean and shop and plant flowers, call the lawn person and do the laundry, I was a wife who adored her husband and couldn't wait to be alone with him at night, I was a doctor who cared-truly cared about my patients and envisioned them as my own especially in the operating room, I was a friend who tried my best to be a good one as much as I could, I was a daughter who loved her mom so much and a sister whose best friend was her brother, I was a faithful, Christian who loved God.  I want every one of those things back.  I am trying to claw my way back to her and yet most days still she just feels like she is getting further away.  When I feel closest to her though is when I see my son and hear him laugh and say, "I love you mommy, I do, I really, really do"....when I see my husband even with his changed eyes and voice coming toward me and wrapping his arms around me hugging with all he has beyond his brokeness, when I see my mom calling me, crying for me, and when I see her laughing and chasing Colin around the house and when I see him run to her with all the joy that Jacob did when he saw his Nana.  Oh I hope I know her again and she lives in this very house again with a heart full of Jacob and a love and house full of children and Russ.  That is my "should"...at least for now.