Jammies

The other night I was cleaning out some of Colin's drawers.  Before we had gotten home from withdrawing support on Jacob, I had asked my mom to help take out at least the double clothes and the highchair because I knew that I just would not be able to survive seeing them right away.  There were days right after when I realized that was a mistake.  I miss him so badly, I want to see him everywhere- honestly I do anyway.  I walk up the stairs holding the railing and see him climbing up the outside and sliding down the slats (this almost always made my heart skip a beat before I could tell him to get down).  I look out the corner window of our family room and see Jake sitting below the window with the sunlight shining on his golden white hair with his legs stretched out and 10 books piled up around him slowly and carefully turning each page--a sight that always made me stop in my tracks and feel such immense love that it almost felt overwhelming.  I go down the basement stairs behind Colin and I see Jacob walking next to him, holding his hand--another heart stopping moment for me when he was alive.  So being a little sad that his things were moved didn't really end up mattering too much because I see him everywhere...all the time.  This is a source of comfort as well as can be a huge source of such intense pain, that I honestly can't handle the thought of taking another breath.  Crushing grief. 

I thought I had gotten all the winter PJs out when I pulled out two last pairs.  The sight made me burst into tears- something that I try not to do when I can in front of Colin but it just hit me so hard- it felt like I had been hit with a sledge hammer..again...to see two of these jammies.  They were Jakes favorite- covered in "bagutballs and soccer balls and footballs!!"  He said the same thing every time I put them on with a smile ear to ear.  There were two of them- just like I had two of everything.  2 of every shirt, every pair of pants, socks, cribs, highchairs, car seats, bikes, cars, balls, placemats, growth charts, cups, spoons, blankets.  This is too much.  I don't know how to do 1.  I never had 1.  Two is my world and I live for TWO boys, TWO loves of my life and I hate that he is gone and I now have to look at two of everything in desperation.  Most minutes of everyday, its torture.   I hate that Colin has to grow up without him by his side too.  I hate that every birthday, Christmas, graduation...he will feel a loss.  I would do anything to change it for him.  My heart was torn apart that morning when Russ handed me Jacobs lifeless little body with his sweet chubby feet and beautiful hair and birth mark that I adored.  My two became one...and half of my heart died.  I wish I just held him tight and hugged him because I never got to again.  The next time I saw him, he had tubes, and IVs and wires and blood everwhere.  Our perfect little boy full of such life was unrecognizable and I should have just held him in my arms and hugged him.  I would give anything to have him back in my arms.  Now I hold one in my arms and one in my heart, separated for now but never far apart.  I love you Jacob Edwin and Colin Joseph.  Forever I will love you both with all of me.