Is He crying?

The morning Jacob died- not in the hospital but the morning of March 24th when I truly believe Jacob went home to heaven- was a rainy morning.  The sun didn't shine that day at all. I remember thinking snuggling with Colin in bed before we knew that Jacob had passed away believing he was getting some much needed extra sleep that his brother never let him have...that I just couldn't wait to spend the rainy day with my boys in their PJs.  I thought how we wouldn't get dressed and I smiled.  I loved them so much and I remember my feelings of happiness, love, warmth and just peace that morning thinking about being with all three of my boys that day with no particular plans--such a rare event.

That feeling is palpable to me and yet almost indescribable and I fear that I know that I will never again feel such peace...such joy and expectation...such love and happiness as I did that rainy morning before my world crumbled and my heart broke into a million pieces.  I hear my screams that came after that my sweet baby was dead and again just like so many times that I have cried since then, I don't even recognize what or who I am hearing.  Is that me?  The sobbing and screaming come from such a deep place of sorrow and despair that I can't even recognize it.

Since that day, it seems that it has been raining ever since.  A dear friend of mine bought us a rain gauge and I can't count the number of times I have had to pour it out as it reached 10 inches.  It occurred to me yesterday that maybe...just maybe, God was crying for us that day and so it was reflected in the rain...and just maybe, God has been crying so much ever since--just like Russ and me.

My grief is overwhelming.  For some reason, it feels it is getting worse. I sometimes thought that time would help.  So far, time has not been our friend.  Lately Russ and I just struggle with my thoughts of that morning and why this happened.  I struggle with all consuming (literally) guilt and blame.  What could I have done differently? Did he suffer? Did he struggle and wonder where his "mama" was?  Did he think I left him and I let him struggle? Oh God, please give me a peace that he didn't struggle, that you took him home in peace and he never knew to be scared.  Please give me some sign that he was taken home in an instant, that he went to sleep knowing he was loved and the next thing he knew, he was in eternal loveliness and joy in heaven.  I can't go on with this question and so I pray this everyday.  I often thought it was wrong to pray for a "sign" or be told of Gods presence because that is not true faith.  Faith is believing without seeing...but I need to see.  I need to know I will see him again and I didn't let my baby suffer and die.  I don't understand. I still watch the video from the fateful birthday party the day before..I watch it over and over looking for some sign that he was going to die hours later.  He looked so happy.  He looked so incredibly alive and smart and sweet and cute.  He ate cupcakes and picked up Easter eggs.  He smiled and then he whined.  Did the whine mean something, did I miss something?  I miss you so much my baby boy. I loved you more each day which I never could have imagined possible after the way I felt the first day I met you- but here I am my heart spilling with love for you and I know that will never change.  I want to hold you again.

I hold Colin and hug him so incredibly tight. I watch him breathe, I smile at his sweet face and think about his truly kind spirit to others.  Colin is so adorable.  People still stop me in stores and out commenting how beautiful he is, how pretty his hair, how sweet his face and eyes.  I always got so much attention with the boys and always believed it was just because they were twins- blonde twins and were maybe just a sight to people.  I just assumed that would stop and when people stop me with Colin now, I look at him and just feel so very proud of this vibrant, smart, kind little boy.  He speaks with prepositions and long sentences- his thought processes are crazy for a 2 1/2 year old and I just love him so much.  He is my world right now and I am so thankful for him.  I always tell him he is my "love bunk."  Today, out of the blue, he said, "Mommy, are you my love bunk?" I looked over at him today playing sweetly and independently with his blocks singing to himself and again, my heart broke for him...he should have his twin brother to play with.  It's not fair.  It just can't be right and I wish it was different for him.  Still, he has adjusted and he is so resilient.  I admire my little person and his spirit and his confidence. 

I love you Colin for all that you are to me and your daddy.  I love you Jacob for all who you are to our family and always will be---and I can't wait to hold you again.

For now, the rain are tears...