Nana's Beach

I think I cried all the way between Raleigh and Topsail.  Jake really loved "Nana's beach" when we took him to dig in the sand a few weeks before he died.  I couldn't wait to take him this summer because for the first time they were really going to really love it. I am such an anticipator with my buddies.  I would get so excited that Russ would refer to me as a toddler right before Christmas and their birthdays, Great Wolf Lodge, Vacations, Halloween, Easter, even Valentines Day..I just loved to do special things for them and it was so fun to see how excited they would get with each other.  I can't help but wonder if I will ever be this way again.  Will I ever decorate our house again for Christmas and be excited--really and truly excited? Will I ever look forward to a vacation again and be truly excited?  But Colin...but Colin.  I love him and this enormous love so far has saved me and I want it for him. I do.

I sat in the sand staring at the enormity of the water in front of me and just longed to feel closer to him...looking over at Colin though carrying his bucket proudly over to his cousin whom he adores, all I could feel was loss--Jacob adored her too...Jacob adored Nana and her beach too...All I could feel was that hole that sucks me in and makes me physically sick from a feeling of falling.  I couldn't wait to see them play in the sand this year and run in the surf.  Such a simple thought that made me so incredibly happy to imagine in anticipation now just resulted in me crying myself to sleep every night at the beach.

I know it is just another one of these "firsts" without our baby.  I looked around at other people with their children and felt that hole and envy of the carefree happiness I saw everywhere.   I again wondered if Russ and I will ever be able to get there again.  It doesn't seem possible honestly.  I was so happy to have my mom there playing with Colin in the ocean making him smile seeing her smile beyond all of her pain having lost Jake and in a way...me.  I was so happy to have my cousin sitting next to me in the sand and my little cousin happily playing with Colin letting him imitate her every move.  It gave me some comfort.   Again though, I thought about the statistic..1 in 100,000...why our Jacob..why Russ, Colin and me.  Why?  I see so much pain in eyes of abused children, I see so many parents who just don't care about their children which is totally unfathomable to me--I know it sounds terrible, but I hear of so many people who abort children because they find out they aren't going to be perfect.  It kills me.  Why did this have to happen to our family.  Why if there has to be that 1 in 100,000, why did it have to be him????  I miss him so much.

Our heartache has gotten a little deeper over the past few weeks as friends and some family go "back" to their lives.  I knew it would happen--I just didn't know how much it would really hurt.  My heart is still in a million pieces.  I still sob so hard I can't breathe every day. I know it sounds terrible and completely irrational but I feel like screaming sometimes, "please I still need you so much- Jacob is gone- he died and he was perfect.  He had something fatally wrong with him and we had no idea, we missed it and still have no idea- I am so desperately sad still" but I know I can't. I still hide an enormous amount of pain behind a usually forced smile and an appearance of--I can do this.  The truth is--I don't know that I can. I hurt way deeper than I ever did.  My feelings are hurt so much easier.  I feel the "loss" as I realize that in some friendships there was a temporary closeness as they grieved for Jacob or maybe just the thought of it being their own child and then they slowly fade from our more everyday lives.  This is the kind of thing, that I could handle in stride before.  Now it feels so personal--I know its not but it feels like I am being punched in the stomach and it stings. Still, I think we have both discovered the friendships and family relationships that help us out of "the hole" over and over and we are so thankful because it really has yet to get any more shallow.

I hope that over time, our hole fills in, little by little. I pray that our love for Jacob and the memory of him and the sheer and utter joy he brought to us and everyone around him will help it fill up...little by little I hope it fills up. Grain by grain....I hope we can find our way to level ground again with some joy and even anticipation...until I see you again Jacob and hold you in my arms.