Surrounded

Today I am reminded that Russ and I have only lived here in this town for a relatively short time- a little less than 2 years and going through the tragedy of losing our baby has made me realize that I have some of the most amazing and loving friends.  I just put Colin to bed and reflected on my day..on my week.  I thought about last night when I cried myself to sleep...again sobbing so desperately that my breath was taken from my lungs as they felt like they were collapsing, I thought about missing my husband who is away this week and wondering what it must be like to be away from us hoping that being able to fulfill a mini dream of his to go to Wimbledon helped just a little....Then I thought of my friends here--some older and some really newer and some of their husbands.  These are the women who have helped carry me through the everyday since Jacob died---who put their lives on hold sometimes to be there for me--to really be there--even if it meant telling me a silly story to try and make me laugh ( I remember a good one about an accidental text from a stranger revealing some very shady details that still makes me smile) or taking me and Colin to the Children's museum, helping me clean, inviting me over while they clean, making us dinner, listening to me, crying with me, smiling with me, texting me, praying for me....These women in my life are not just casual friends- they are deep down, cry till I cant breathe, laugh till I cry, true and honest, reliable, can't-do-without, amazing friends- they are like sisters to me.

  I don't know if these women will ever know how much they mean to me or how much they have helped me get up and go on in so many moments.  Today, I had a session with our counselor and these sessions are precious to me because they help me- I look forward to them immensely.  I didn't want to miss it this week even though Russ is away.  I have had a rough 2 days without him and hearing Colin talk about things that ripped my heart out and made me really worry about him, and of course the ever-present missing Jacob and crushing grief-- I needed that session today and unfortunately there was a mix up with the schedule and he couldn't see me when I got there.  I went and layed on Jacob's memorial for the hour and sobbed.  Then I stood up, went home and made myself keep my plans for Colin and I that afternoon and went to a friends house.  Today, she got me up and got me through that moment and  I bet she doesn't even know it.  She listened to me instead and reassured me about Colin and gave me words of hope.  I can't count the number of times this has happened over the last 3 months.  My closest friend came and sat with me every single day for weeks after Jacob died.  She told me once she felt like she wasn't/hadn't done enough...she had no idea what she had done for me just showing me her love in her actions and always saying things that give me hope- hope for a future again and for some joy again- I believe her when she says these things even if not for more than a little while and that is more of a gift than I can say.  I remember a time when I was having a particularly hard morning and couldn't get dressed- Colin was at school and I missed him.  I was going through pictured on my Jake on my phone when my close friend texted and said come over and be with me while I go through toys.  I got dressed--it was her that morning.  Another friend had planned a date night with her husband to a wine festival.  The day before I was thinking how sad I was that it felt like Russ and I had lost eachother a little and it was too hard to plan anything.  That friend asked Russ and I out on that date and made us feel like it was part of their plan from the start.  I just cant count the number of times.  My nurses who are my friends-oh these women- they have no idea--from meeting me in parking lots to walk by my side because I just cant walk into the place my baby died to take care of other peoples babies to giving gentle nods knowing when I am about to lose it in an operating room looking at a child intubated reliving seeing my baby dying--these friends help me be a doctor even for just that moment.  Countless times....

The truth is no one can do anything to heal this--last night I put Colin to bed and layed on the floor in my room.   I called out in the silence that my baby is dead and hearing those words come out of my mouth in sobs is indescribable..but what these women do is help me get through these moments and just get through the everyday sometimes- right now that is an enourmous gift and Russ has the same experience with so many of his friends here.  

I, in the most desperately sad time of my life- I know I am surrounded.  After just two years,  we are surrounded---and so along with all of our family--it might just be impossible with all of these hands pulling us up with such strength, love and resolve---to fall so far into this hole that we are completely lost. 

Mommy loves you Jake...