You should...

Sometimes its hard to hear all the "you should's"  We know it comes from a place of love and from the people that matter most to us and sometimes it helps.  A lot of time it hurts beyond words.  It hurts because I just think sometimes, what I wouldn't give to be able to just do the things that are told to us...focus on Colin, focus on Russ, focus on your home, your friends, your patients, your blessings.  The problem is, these are the things that I used to do with such ease..at the forefront of it all--at the bottom of it all though was Jacob and Colin...not just Colin and not just Jacob.  Jacob is gone and the foundation of it all has tumbled.  All the other things I cared about- the things that made me me--the me that I achingly miss-- have come crashing down and I can't seem to focus on anything but my loss- my grief- my emptiness, the hole that is gaping once filled with overwhelming, heart bleeding love for Jacob.  His absence is as loud and ever-present as his presence.  Sometimes I drive down the road and I reach my hand back into the car seat behind me and I feel that he is there- but then I know he is not.  I still hope he is though, maybe he is- I miss him so much that those words don't even seem anywhere near adequate.  I miss me and all the "should's" that once made me who I was.  I was a mom who laughed and loved all day long, who cared to cook and clean and shop and plant flowers, call the lawn person and do the laundry, I was a wife who adored her husband and couldn't wait to be alone with him at night, I was a doctor who cared-truly cared about my patients and envisioned them as my own especially in the operating room, I was a friend who tried my best to be a good one as much as I could, I was a daughter who loved her mom so much and a sister whose best friend was her brother, I was a faithful, Christian who loved God.  I want every one of those things back.  I am trying to claw my way back to her and yet most days still she just feels like she is getting further away.  When I feel closest to her though is when I see my son and hear him laugh and say, "I love you mommy, I do, I really, really do"....when I see my husband even with his changed eyes and voice coming toward me and wrapping his arms around me hugging with all he has beyond his brokeness, when I see my mom calling me, crying for me, and when I see her laughing and chasing Colin around the house and when I see him run to her with all the joy that Jacob did when he saw his Nana.  Oh I hope I know her again and she lives in this very house again with a heart full of Jacob and a love and house full of children and Russ.  That is my "should"...at least for now.