At some point it has to end. Our baby is gone and yet Colin is here and somehow so are we. We talked in counseling yesterday how hard it is for me to hear people who really do mean well--I know they do---say--I am a better mom, better person, I love my children more now. It hurts my heart so much because I didn't want Jacob to die and be the reason others are better parents-- I think how they have their children to love more and I don't..and it hurts. I wish it didn't hurt so much. Oh Jacob, I would give anything..give up anything..and I mean anything...to just kiss your chubby little cheek one more time. That kind of longing and want is indescribable.
So I beg and plead...maybe to God..when I am struggling with my faith and hurt, just out loud to no one...I plead to see him again...see him somehow in our lives still, or even in a dream. I want to know that somehow, he is still with me. People relate butterflies to childhood death because they live for such a short time and are so beautiful. My neighbor, who lost her sweet little girl when she was 3 years old, sent me a picture of two butterflies who were flying around our yards and how she thought of Jacob and Lillie. I have seen them lately in our yard and I think of Jacob and Lillie. Maybe they are playing in heaven. Then, I got the call from the genetics doctor when I was at the pool with Colin and a dear friend (thankful for her presence because don't know what I would have done). I saw the number on my pager and I immediately felt the weight of my grief crushing. I sat down alone on the basketball court that Jacob loved and could see him running around as my already broken heart broke just a little more hearing her words cut like a knife. No answer. "We will never know- I don't know how one does this and lives not knowing but we just have no answer." A butterfly appeared right then and as I sat listening to her words, I saw it dance around in front of my eyes- so beautiful and seemingly happy--just like my Jacob.
When your little boy dies who was seemingly so very perfect and healthy and very well may have been, and no one can tell you why--or how--you enter into a new struggle with mind and heart. How will I protect Colin? Can I still have more children? How will I protect them? I am a doctor and didn't see anything..how can I protect them? I can't so I won't have more...but that thought hurts so much. I still feel like I am going to see Jacob in a few minutes. He can't be gone..he has to be in his crib, with our sitter, at home. It hurts so much. I am scared for what it will feel like when I stop feeling that way too. I am told by others who have gone through this nightmare that about 6 months after, that feeling subsides and it is another valley. I am tired of the valleys...physically tired.
This week in this new low, I have become withdrawn from my life--in the same way I did in the weeks after losing Jacob. I faked it through work-I have become a master at a facade of "ok". I feel really alone with a feeling of nowhere to turn. But I do turn to Russ--he hurts so much too though. Last night we layed in bed foreheads pressed against each others crying so hard I didn't know who's tears were on my cheek..mine or his...I felt my heart break a little more.
I want this to change. For now I am going to will my little family to make it through just tomorrow. I will think of my little guy a thousand times and will continue to tell stories to Colin and love him with every part of what is left of me tomorrow and I hope I am able to see some signs that Jake is still with us. I miss you angel...
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