Today was hard.  It was my first full day back at work.  It hurt to walk into the hospital- it hasn't gotten easier.  That is the place where my son left me.  It is the place where my son left his daddy and left his brother.  I missed Jacob so much today and cried walking the halls imagining his sweet little body so sick, so fragile and I remember my feeling of helplessness so real it makes me sick to my stomach. I am his mom and he is gone.  How can this be?  One of my friends who is a PICU doctor told me she has never seen this.   It is hard not to blame ourselves.  Russ and I go over and over in our head..the "what ifs", what did we miss, the "if onlys".  In the end, it doesn't bring Jacob back.  It only makes us feel like we are in the darkest place of our lives and we just dug a little deeper in- I feel like the worst mom and the worst doctor- my babies heart stopped and there was nothing I could do- it was too late. 

Today, in addition to being consumed by sadness for Jacob---I missed Colin more than I ever have.  He is such a sweet boy and along with Russ, the only reason why I get up in the morning.  Colin has been so, so sweet.   We were coming home from the grocery store and we passed Chic fil a.  He said, "Mommy, can we go on there on the slide.  I really want to.  I really, really, really do."  That's all it took.  I was sitting there watching one half of my heart climb and slide when a little boy came in. Colin looking excited said, "What's your name.  I'm Colin Kratzer!"  He was so proud having just recently taken an interest in his last name.   He came running over to me, beaming, and proud telling me that he asked him his name.  Oh my heart.  Lately the only time it feels alive is when I see him play and hear him talk--when I feel him in my arms.  He is my angel here on earth just as much as Jacob is my angel in heaven.  I am sad for Colin.  I am sad that he lost his buddy.  I noticed that he wants so badly sometimes for other kids to talk to him and play with him- they tend to be the older ones though who are not as interested and it breaks my heart for him. Mostly, he just wants to play by himself since Jacob left him.  It breaks my heart for him. 

I wish I could somehow change this...