There should have been three....

We traveled to NJ this past weekend near where I grew up to spend time with my cousin, Chris.  I still remember how we started every phone call with a happy, "Hello my favorite cousin" before Jacob died- our phone calls have been more frequent lately and with a lot more tears.  My heart hurts thinking of how happy I used to be sometimes and yet I feel an overwhelming sense of want and desire to get some part of that person back too.  Chris is like my older sister.  I love her and her family inside and out.  Every time we see them, I look forward to it for weeks and every time we leave,  I miss them for days.  This time was important- Colin is not the only little person I worry so much about with the loss of our sweet boy- Kelly is only 8 and has seen such loss and held such grief in her heart.  She has seen a dear friend of their family die in her early 20s with ovarian cancer, than our grandmother and now my sweet little boy who she adored.  After my cousin told her that Jacob died, she was confused, angry, sad, full of grief and she is 8.  She questioned how this could happen, didn't want to look at pictures of Colin because she was so sad and mad that Jacob wasn't in them- he should be there, where is he, why did this happen- she asked.  She felt like I did- she asked the same questions I ask every night. Just really raw and honest- so innocent.

 We don't know sweet little girl...all I know is I love him with all of me, just like I love Colin, and I love you, Kel..that's all I can think.

This same little girl just raised more for Jake's foundation than anyone.  She asked her friends to bring a donation instead of a gift for her birthday.  She is amazing and I needed to see her to make sure she was ok as much as she needed to see me to see that I was still "ok."  Colin adored her and has not stopped talking about his "Kelly-Cocoa." He played with her nonstop.

I got to not worry about Colin and his loneliness for 48 hours.  Kelly did that for me.  She loves him so much and wanted to be around him as much as Jacob did. She missed Jacob and we cried a good amount, but I got to not worry about Colin- just for a little bit.

 But, there should have been three....

I had a hard day at work today.  I almost laugh saying this because everyday is hard.  It takes all of me to get out of bed and not cry all day, but somedays are crushing.  This was one of those days and looking at this picture, I know why.  I just can't believe it somedays.  I can't believe he is gone--so much so that there is a part of me that doesn't believe it somehow.  Sometimes I almost feel crazy bc I imagine waking up and him being in his bed- like it is all just a nightmare and not true.  It just can't be that I won't hold my sweet baby again- he used to put his head on my shoulder when I would take him up to bed at night and put his arm next to him twisting his hand outwards as he nuzzled in to me- I just can't believe that I wont here his sweet voice again- he used to say,  be "carebul" mommy if he saw me trip or drop something just like I would say to him and I would hear him cackle at night as he and Colin talked to each other across the room from their cribs.  I miss that time of the night so much.  I would just listen to them talk to each other and laugh for an hour sometimes.  We were so blessed-so fortunate.  I can't help but think how this couldn't be further from our truth today.

I want to believe in God the way I used to.  I want to pray for Colin like I used to pray for Jake and Colin every night.  I remember going into their room after they fell asleep to tuck them in and make sure they were ok and I would pray - so hard and with total faith - so much faith that I really never thought any harm would come to them despite my sometimes overwhelming worry about them.  So you can imagine my state now.  I don't know how to reconcile it all in my head-- how to keep praying for Colin's health, for mine and Russ's when it seemingly "didn't matter."  Gods will is always done even if so very far from my own and so I question a lot now, what is the point?    Still, I find some deep down place of faith that comes up--I have to see my baby again--he has to be in Heaven--God has to be real--I have believed for so long--the alternative is too much.  Every once in a while that faith grabs hold of my heart and allows me to still pray for my family- it's not every night like it used to be, but it's better than never so for now, it is where I live.

But there should have been three....
Love you my angel baby