Surrounded

Today I am reminded that Russ and I have only lived here in this town for a relatively short time- a little less than 2 years and going through the tragedy of losing our baby has made me realize that I have some of the most amazing and loving friends.  I just put Colin to bed and reflected on my day..on my week.  I thought about last night when I cried myself to sleep...again sobbing so desperately that my breath was taken from my lungs as they felt like they were collapsing, I thought about missing my husband who is away this week and wondering what it must be like to be away from us hoping that being able to fulfill a mini dream of his to go to Wimbledon helped just a little....Then I thought of my friends here--some older and some really newer and some of their husbands.  These are the women who have helped carry me through the everyday since Jacob died---who put their lives on hold sometimes to be there for me--to really be there--even if it meant telling me a silly story to try and make me laugh ( I remember a good one about an accidental text from a stranger revealing some very shady details that still makes me smile) or taking me and Colin to the Children's museum, helping me clean, inviting me over while they clean, making us dinner, listening to me, crying with me, smiling with me, texting me, praying for me....These women in my life are not just casual friends- they are deep down, cry till I cant breathe, laugh till I cry, true and honest, reliable, can't-do-without, amazing friends- they are like sisters to me.

  I don't know if these women will ever know how much they mean to me or how much they have helped me get up and go on in so many moments.  Today, I had a session with our counselor and these sessions are precious to me because they help me- I look forward to them immensely.  I didn't want to miss it this week even though Russ is away.  I have had a rough 2 days without him and hearing Colin talk about things that ripped my heart out and made me really worry about him, and of course the ever-present missing Jacob and crushing grief-- I needed that session today and unfortunately there was a mix up with the schedule and he couldn't see me when I got there.  I went and layed on Jacob's memorial for the hour and sobbed.  Then I stood up, went home and made myself keep my plans for Colin and I that afternoon and went to a friends house.  Today, she got me up and got me through that moment and  I bet she doesn't even know it.  She listened to me instead and reassured me about Colin and gave me words of hope.  I can't count the number of times this has happened over the last 3 months.  My closest friend came and sat with me every single day for weeks after Jacob died.  She told me once she felt like she wasn't/hadn't done enough...she had no idea what she had done for me just showing me her love in her actions and always saying things that give me hope- hope for a future again and for some joy again- I believe her when she says these things even if not for more than a little while and that is more of a gift than I can say.  I remember a time when I was having a particularly hard morning and couldn't get dressed- Colin was at school and I missed him.  I was going through pictured on my Jake on my phone when my close friend texted and said come over and be with me while I go through toys.  I got dressed--it was her that morning.  Another friend had planned a date night with her husband to a wine festival.  The day before I was thinking how sad I was that it felt like Russ and I had lost eachother a little and it was too hard to plan anything.  That friend asked Russ and I out on that date and made us feel like it was part of their plan from the start.  I just cant count the number of times.  My nurses who are my friends-oh these women- they have no idea--from meeting me in parking lots to walk by my side because I just cant walk into the place my baby died to take care of other peoples babies to giving gentle nods knowing when I am about to lose it in an operating room looking at a child intubated reliving seeing my baby dying--these friends help me be a doctor even for just that moment.  Countless times....

The truth is no one can do anything to heal this--last night I put Colin to bed and layed on the floor in my room.   I called out in the silence that my baby is dead and hearing those words come out of my mouth in sobs is indescribable..but what these women do is help me get through these moments and just get through the everyday sometimes- right now that is an enourmous gift and Russ has the same experience with so many of his friends here.  

I, in the most desperately sad time of my life- I know I am surrounded.  After just two years,  we are surrounded---and so along with all of our family--it might just be impossible with all of these hands pulling us up with such strength, love and resolve---to fall so far into this hole that we are completely lost. 

Mommy loves you Jake...

I love you Colin

Oh that baby.  I don't know what I would do...where I would be without him.  People say that phrase all the time- I did too and it wasn't until now that I really learned the deepest meaning of it.  My love for him is the reason I, with great resolve, struggle painfully to take my next step..my next breath some days.  My love for him and for Russ go so incredibly deep and only in Colin's laugh and in his eyes and his sleeping face that I am watching though the monitor right now, in his smart little phrases and thoughts, in his caring spirit, in his beautiful curls, and in his sweet kisses---can I even begin to see glimmer of true joy.  And it's you little boy that makes us laugh during a time when our whole world has been flipped.  On the way to the airport the other morning in dark silence at 3 in the morning (long story why this was happening), Russ and I drove along and out of the quietness, came his sweet little voice--"I was born at Houston.  Isn't that crazy Mommy, Daddy."  Russ and I burst out laughing. Where does he even come up with this.  He told my mom today after she was nagging me a little-imagine that ;), "Be gentle to mommy, Nana."  Again, I was able to laugh-really laugh.

 It happens so rarely these days.  True smiles and real happiness.  We used to have joy- not all the time of course- but our undercurrent really was happiness with occasional sadness and hurt.  Now it is the complete opposite.  My undercurrent is mostly sadness and desperate longing with occasional moments of smiling--distraction but once we leave work, leave our friends, walk away from temporary distraction, we fall to our knees again.  Russ and I often walk around especially early in the morning before Colin wakes up and at night- the nights are so hard- in a daze.  Sometimes our silence is deafeningly loud and our crying so heart wrenching.  I wake up most mornings with my hair behind my ears soaked with tears and I listen sometimes at night or in the early morning to my husband sobbing.  There-is-nothing-worse-I-could-ever-imagine.  Losing my baby sometimes feels like I am dying slowly. Every time I think of his hair and his eyes and things that he said, I am crushed with images of my babies face a terrifying color blue and his body limp as Russ handed him to me in a panic...I relive my worst fear coming true before my eyes that morning and I can't breathe.  I don't mean that philosophically- I physically can't breathe-then I gasp-- suck in air and hear a cry that I have never heard come from myself.  It's as if I am listening to someone else- what is this pain? How long will it last and will we ever be able to "flip" back again?  I honestly don't see how but I need to believe with every part of me that we can get some joy back- real happiness not just temporary distraction smiling--and remember Jacob of course with sadness missing him, but also with joy for knowing him- joy that he is in my heart. 

Our so very gifted counselor who I believe was meant for Russ and I, urges me often to slow down, stay here--in this moment--try to not jump to the fears and worries of the future.  So for now I take anything I can get and I live for those temporary moments and the source of my true joy----I love you Colin.  I love you Russ. 

I love you Jacob.  I want you so badly, that in these hours of the night when I can't stop watching Colin breathe through the monitor, I am not aware of a possibility of going on without you. I don't see how I can when I look at this picture and I all I feel is ridiculous longing to take you to the beach this summer, to hug you, to kiss you harder than I ever have- I feel angry and lost and hopeless and empty...

You were me and are me and always will be a part of every ounce of me and every second and minute of my everyday.  I am still here 90 days later-and for now I am going to resolve again to live for your brother who is just a much my heart and who says he misses you and says your name everyday--and for your daddy--the first Kratzer boy I loved.  And the rest, please help me God-please.

You should...

Sometimes its hard to hear all the "you should's"  We know it comes from a place of love and from the people that matter most to us and sometimes it helps.  A lot of time it hurts beyond words.  It hurts because I just think sometimes, what I wouldn't give to be able to just do the things that are told to us...focus on Colin, focus on Russ, focus on your home, your friends, your patients, your blessings.  The problem is, these are the things that I used to do with such ease..at the forefront of it all--at the bottom of it all though was Jacob and Colin...not just Colin and not just Jacob.  Jacob is gone and the foundation of it all has tumbled.  All the other things I cared about- the things that made me me--the me that I achingly miss-- have come crashing down and I can't seem to focus on anything but my loss- my grief- my emptiness, the hole that is gaping once filled with overwhelming, heart bleeding love for Jacob.  His absence is as loud and ever-present as his presence.  Sometimes I drive down the road and I reach my hand back into the car seat behind me and I feel that he is there- but then I know he is not.  I still hope he is though, maybe he is- I miss him so much that those words don't even seem anywhere near adequate.  I miss me and all the "should's" that once made me who I was.  I was a mom who laughed and loved all day long, who cared to cook and clean and shop and plant flowers, call the lawn person and do the laundry, I was a wife who adored her husband and couldn't wait to be alone with him at night, I was a doctor who cared-truly cared about my patients and envisioned them as my own especially in the operating room, I was a friend who tried my best to be a good one as much as I could, I was a daughter who loved her mom so much and a sister whose best friend was her brother, I was a faithful, Christian who loved God.  I want every one of those things back.  I am trying to claw my way back to her and yet most days still she just feels like she is getting further away.  When I feel closest to her though is when I see my son and hear him laugh and say, "I love you mommy, I do, I really, really do"....when I see my husband even with his changed eyes and voice coming toward me and wrapping his arms around me hugging with all he has beyond his brokeness, when I see my mom calling me, crying for me, and when I see her laughing and chasing Colin around the house and when I see him run to her with all the joy that Jacob did when he saw his Nana.  Oh I hope I know her again and she lives in this very house again with a heart full of Jacob and a love and house full of children and Russ.  That is my "should"...at least for now. 

There should have been three....

We traveled to NJ this past weekend near where I grew up to spend time with my cousin, Chris.  I still remember how we started every phone call with a happy, "Hello my favorite cousin" before Jacob died- our phone calls have been more frequent lately and with a lot more tears.  My heart hurts thinking of how happy I used to be sometimes and yet I feel an overwhelming sense of want and desire to get some part of that person back too.  Chris is like my older sister.  I love her and her family inside and out.  Every time we see them, I look forward to it for weeks and every time we leave,  I miss them for days.  This time was important- Colin is not the only little person I worry so much about with the loss of our sweet boy- Kelly is only 8 and has seen such loss and held such grief in her heart.  She has seen a dear friend of their family die in her early 20s with ovarian cancer, than our grandmother and now my sweet little boy who she adored.  After my cousin told her that Jacob died, she was confused, angry, sad, full of grief and she is 8.  She questioned how this could happen, didn't want to look at pictures of Colin because she was so sad and mad that Jacob wasn't in them- he should be there, where is he, why did this happen- she asked.  She felt like I did- she asked the same questions I ask every night. Just really raw and honest- so innocent.

 We don't know sweet little girl...all I know is I love him with all of me, just like I love Colin, and I love you, Kel..that's all I can think.

This same little girl just raised more for Jake's foundation than anyone.  She asked her friends to bring a donation instead of a gift for her birthday.  She is amazing and I needed to see her to make sure she was ok as much as she needed to see me to see that I was still "ok."  Colin adored her and has not stopped talking about his "Kelly-Cocoa." He played with her nonstop.

I got to not worry about Colin and his loneliness for 48 hours.  Kelly did that for me.  She loves him so much and wanted to be around him as much as Jacob did. She missed Jacob and we cried a good amount, but I got to not worry about Colin- just for a little bit.

 But, there should have been three....

I had a hard day at work today.  I almost laugh saying this because everyday is hard.  It takes all of me to get out of bed and not cry all day, but somedays are crushing.  This was one of those days and looking at this picture, I know why.  I just can't believe it somedays.  I can't believe he is gone--so much so that there is a part of me that doesn't believe it somehow.  Sometimes I almost feel crazy bc I imagine waking up and him being in his bed- like it is all just a nightmare and not true.  It just can't be that I won't hold my sweet baby again- he used to put his head on my shoulder when I would take him up to bed at night and put his arm next to him twisting his hand outwards as he nuzzled in to me- I just can't believe that I wont here his sweet voice again- he used to say,  be "carebul" mommy if he saw me trip or drop something just like I would say to him and I would hear him cackle at night as he and Colin talked to each other across the room from their cribs.  I miss that time of the night so much.  I would just listen to them talk to each other and laugh for an hour sometimes.  We were so blessed-so fortunate.  I can't help but think how this couldn't be further from our truth today.

I want to believe in God the way I used to.  I want to pray for Colin like I used to pray for Jake and Colin every night.  I remember going into their room after they fell asleep to tuck them in and make sure they were ok and I would pray - so hard and with total faith - so much faith that I really never thought any harm would come to them despite my sometimes overwhelming worry about them.  So you can imagine my state now.  I don't know how to reconcile it all in my head-- how to keep praying for Colin's health, for mine and Russ's when it seemingly "didn't matter."  Gods will is always done even if so very far from my own and so I question a lot now, what is the point?    Still, I find some deep down place of faith that comes up--I have to see my baby again--he has to be in Heaven--God has to be real--I have believed for so long--the alternative is too much.  Every once in a while that faith grabs hold of my heart and allows me to still pray for my family- it's not every night like it used to be, but it's better than never so for now, it is where I live.

But there should have been three....
Love you my angel baby

Today was hard.  It was my first full day back at work.  It hurt to walk into the hospital- it hasn't gotten easier.  That is the place where my son left me.  It is the place where my son left his daddy and left his brother.  I missed Jacob so much today and cried walking the halls imagining his sweet little body so sick, so fragile and I remember my feeling of helplessness so real it makes me sick to my stomach. I am his mom and he is gone.  How can this be?  One of my friends who is a PICU doctor told me she has never seen this.   It is hard not to blame ourselves.  Russ and I go over and over in our head..the "what ifs", what did we miss, the "if onlys".  In the end, it doesn't bring Jacob back.  It only makes us feel like we are in the darkest place of our lives and we just dug a little deeper in- I feel like the worst mom and the worst doctor- my babies heart stopped and there was nothing I could do- it was too late. 

Today, in addition to being consumed by sadness for Jacob---I missed Colin more than I ever have.  He is such a sweet boy and along with Russ, the only reason why I get up in the morning.  Colin has been so, so sweet.   We were coming home from the grocery store and we passed Chic fil a.  He said, "Mommy, can we go on there on the slide.  I really want to.  I really, really, really do."  That's all it took.  I was sitting there watching one half of my heart climb and slide when a little boy came in. Colin looking excited said, "What's your name.  I'm Colin Kratzer!"  He was so proud having just recently taken an interest in his last name.   He came running over to me, beaming, and proud telling me that he asked him his name.  Oh my heart.  Lately the only time it feels alive is when I see him play and hear him talk--when I feel him in my arms.  He is my angel here on earth just as much as Jacob is my angel in heaven.  I am sad for Colin.  I am sad that he lost his buddy.  I noticed that he wants so badly sometimes for other kids to talk to him and play with him- they tend to be the older ones though who are not as interested and it breaks my heart for him. Mostly, he just wants to play by himself since Jacob left him.  It breaks my heart for him. 

I wish I could somehow change this...

To say you meant the world to me buddy is an understatement. Tonight I am in utter disbelief that you are gone.  I love and now miss terribly, everything about you...your hair, your big blue eyes and your huge smile, your little space between your teeth, your red birth mark on your leg, your laugh..oh, your laugh..it was so high pitched and when you got really excited, you cackled and made everyone around you laugh out loud.  You loved Colin so much. Even though you learned how to say "brother," you stuck with "duhduh."  You loved to ask for "yotion" on your hands at night and you always said "morning mommy" or "morning daddy" as you popped up in your crib each morning.  You loved your life, you were always so happy. You loved fireman Sam and couldn't wait for daddy to get home to play "bagutball."  You were a true athlete already..so sure footed, so steady and coordinated.  Daddy said you had perfect form already on your basketball shot.  You loved "your people" and listed them off sometimes just for fun.  My heart aches for every part of you.  Today I am living for your brother, Colin who is the other half of my heart and I know someday, we will all be together again. 

Why I am writing....

I have never been a very big writer so the thought of "blogging" seemed overwhelming.  Then I came to a realization.  I want more than anything to keep Jacob's spirit alive.  I want more than anything for Colin and I pray future children and my husband to be able to read this someday and smile at the memories, remember our very loved son, Jacob but also to know that although our family has gone through great loss, we also have great love for each other and that we were able to go on and I hope and pray, find joy in our everyday lives and also in the memory of our "sweet baby Jake" as Russ always called him.  I want Colin and our future children to know how much we love them and how much we love our family...and that Jake will always be a part of that as well. I will forever have one part of my heart on the earth and one part in heaven. A dear friend said...a journey through life, love and loss.