I would give my life up in a second....

I wish I had a choice. I wish I could choose for it to be me so you could live your beautiful life, Jacob.  I would give absolutely anything for you to be alive and laughing and smiling here in your house, with your brother. I miss every little thing about you..your joy...your smile...your eyes...your birth mark on your right leg...your little chubby feet...the little dimples in your hands...how smoothly you ran and climbed with such ease....the way you shot a basketball at 2 years old in the perfect jump shot...I remember coming home and seeing your smile at the top of the stairs...I remember watching you for a few seconds when I would come pick you up at preschool--before you noticed me--you would be playing with a toy on your own but looking up at the other kids so often just watching everyone--then you would see me and your whole face would light up and I felt my heart melt...every.single.time...as you yelled "mommy, mommy"...I miss watching you bounce on "Hannah Eva" trampoline--your blonde straight hair bounding with you as you laughed..I miss seeing you in the corner of the living room all by yourself just turning pages of a book with the sun shining on your head...I miss your little high pitched voice and you reaching up to me all the time saying "hold you mommy"...I miss carrying you on my hip as I just did what I had to do you just so content to be held...I remember how you felt when I would carry you up the stairs at night with your head on my shoulder and your little arms straight by your side turned backwards like it was your most comfortable spot...I miss hearing your little feet move so fast as you ran around in circles downstairs...I miss how you used to walk swaying back and forth like you just had so much happiness it was the only way you could let it out...I miss hearing you in your car seat just talking and talking to no one in particular about nothing in particular and thinking- he just loves to talk...I miss how sensitive you were even though it would break my heart sometimes when you would get scared and come running to me...I miss that you needed and loved your mommy and your daddy...I miss the way you looked at me and epecially your daddy...that night daddy was playing airplane with Colin on the floor and I was changing you..you looked over at him with a huge smile like you knew your turn was next...I miss your laugh...oh your laugh....I miss taking you for walks in your stroller and your big smile when I would strap you in..I miss going into your room at night and just picking you up to give you a "squeeze" and you would say " I wanna go night night" and then I would feel bad for waking you- I just couldn't help it..I loved you so much and needed to hug you..now I am so glad I did...I miss the way you looked at Colin that very first time you noticed him when you were 4 or 5 months old, you looked at him and smiled and I cried...I miss you with Colin...I miss you with your brother...I miss my twins.