Last night, I stood in our empty bedroom like I have done so many times before with my face pressed up against a big picture I have of Jacob next to so many others of him and Colin. I just close my eyes and try to feel his cheek and remember his warm skin, his bright eyes. I try so hard to remember kissing him and holding him, hearing him laugh or talk to me. I open my eyes so I can see his smile and his eyes near mine. I am pretending. It always becomes clear...over and over as I eventually just feel the cold glass of the frame- I am pretending and I fall apart. I do this so many times every week- the same picture- the same longing just to feel you again Jacob. The hole is just too deep sometimes. Its gut wrenching loss- sadness I have never known before. I can't even describe that low- the one that takes hold and forces all the air from my lungs and I can't breathe for a second. I can't swallow. Why Jacob? Why us? Why Colin? So many questions. I had two beautiful boys and would just feel so lucky sometimes that I couldn't even believe it. Why couldn't he have been ok? Why couldn't it have happened- whatever the heck happened- why couldn't it have been in the day? Why the middle of the night when I just didn't know? What did I miss? Did he suffer- suffocate alone- those words are the same to me. How could he be gone when he was happy and playing? Yes, he had some mild wheezing for the first time ever from this virus, but it only lasted 10 minutes on only 2 occasions over the prior 2 days- both times htough when he woke up from a nap or sleep so why didn't I worry more? The worst part is, I answer back- because he wasn't that sick- kids wheeze with viruses all the time for days on end, kids will have a croupy cough and not die!! He didn't even have a fever, miss a meal, stop running, playing and smiling. I'm tired and I want him back. I want to wake up and have my twins, my two guys, my eternally happy husband-- my happiness and joy, my family, my old person. I can imagine it- its so far away.
I have said before that my biggest fear is Jacob will be forgotten. I just can't help but think all the time that there are only a finite few people in this world that knew Jacob. No one will ever. meet. him. again. No one. Only a few really knew his smile and personality and I know I am his mom but to me, I think those few are so very lucky, so very important to me, to Colin, Russ and our unborn children because their memories of him and ours are all that is left of him and I am fiercely protective of them. I am so thankful for our friends and family who still talk about him, know that I have twins and still believe that I do. I am so thankful to them for still knowing I am living a nightmare no matter how many days pass and who help me stay distracted sometimes and just hang out, have play dates, go out to dinner and just try to be me but still will listen and let me talk about it, offer to help with the walk from buying hoola hoops to making me a memory blanket... or just let me cry. I am so very thankful for those in our lives who just have no idea how much they help us just by being good friends to us and to Colin.
All that is left of Jacob is his memories and those whose hearts he lives on in. It hurts beyond speakable words- more true pain when my heart just can't handle much more- when people who knew him and loved us and him- some who even watched the horror of Jacob dying- of Russ and I falling over his little lifeless body, with tubes everywhere, cut open, watched Russ and I live the unimaginable losing him before their eyes- less than a year later, wont talk about him- won't speak his name- wont listen or talk or even be there sometimes. Don't they know? Don't they see how important they are to us, to Colin, to our unborn? They are the precious few. Jacob is gone from this earth but he was here, so alive, so beautiful and funny and sweet and cute. They and we are all we have in him. I am fiercely protective over him even now-maybe even more now. He will always be my first. I hope he knew and still knows how much I love him.
For now, everyday I live is a day closer to being with him. I won't stop loving Jacob, but I also won't stop searching and hoping for some joy. I won't stop loving my babies- every single one of them. For now, my focus is on Russ and Colin walking beside me and Jacob looking down on me. I won't stop going forward because I love all so much. More than anything or anyone. Hug your family.
