Saturday, May 10, 2014
I would give my life up in a second....
I wish I had a choice. I wish I could choose for it to be me so you could live your beautiful life, Jacob. I would give absolutely anything for you to be alive and laughing and smiling here in your house, with your brother. I miss every little thing about you..your joy...your smile...your eyes...your birth mark on your right leg...your little chubby feet...the little dimples in your hands...how smoothly you ran and climbed with such ease....the way you shot a basketball at 2 years old in the perfect jump shot...I remember coming home and seeing your smile at the top of the stairs...I remember watching you for a few seconds when I would come pick you up at preschool--before you noticed me--you would be playing with a toy on your own but looking up at the other kids so often just watching everyone--then you would see me and your whole face would light up and I felt my heart melt...every.single.time...as you yelled "mommy, mommy"...I miss watching you bounce on "Hannah Eva" trampoline--your blonde straight hair bounding with you as you laughed..I miss seeing you in the corner of the living room all by yourself just turning pages of a book with the sun shining on your head...I miss your little high pitched voice and you reaching up to me all the time saying "hold you mommy"...I miss carrying you on my hip as I just did what I had to do you just so content to be held...I remember how you felt when I would carry you up the stairs at night with your head on my shoulder and your little arms straight by your side turned backwards like it was your most comfortable spot...I miss hearing your little feet move so fast as you ran around in circles downstairs...I miss how you used to walk swaying back and forth like you just had so much happiness it was the only way you could let it out...I miss hearing you in your car seat just talking and talking to no one in particular about nothing in particular and thinking- he just loves to talk...I miss how sensitive you were even though it would break my heart sometimes when you would get scared and come running to me...I miss that you needed and loved your mommy and your daddy...I miss the way you looked at me and epecially your daddy...that night daddy was playing airplane with Colin on the floor and I was changing you..you looked over at him with a huge smile like you knew your turn was next...I miss your laugh...oh your laugh....I miss taking you for walks in your stroller and your big smile when I would strap you in..I miss going into your room at night and just picking you up to give you a "squeeze" and you would say " I wanna go night night" and then I would feel bad for waking you- I just couldn't help it..I loved you so much and needed to hug you..now I am so glad I did...I miss the way you looked at Colin that very first time you noticed him when you were 4 or 5 months old, you looked at him and smiled and I cried...I miss you with Colin...I miss you with your brother...I miss my twins.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
365
I have started to write a new entry so many times over the past few months. Every time, I sobbed so hard after a few sentences that I couldn't keep writing- it was too hard. I'm tired. Honestly, I'm tired of living without you my little man at least a large part of everyday and sometimes it scares me. I don't want to. I hate that I have cried more over the past 11 and a half months then most people do in a life time. Then I see Colin's smile or my husbands tears and I feel like I want to try to be stronger. I just wish I was who I was before. I can't believe that in just a few weeks it will be one whole year since I kissed my sweet baby- since I saw him smile- heard his sweet voice. I don't want that day to come. I feel like it will kill me- literally I feel like I can't take anymore firsts without him and I am scared of that day. The first anniversary - the 24th and the 25th. The days that my whole life shattered- audibly. The day my heart was broken permanently and the three boys I love the most broke around me too.
Last night, I stood in our empty bedroom like I have done so many times before with my face pressed up against a big picture I have of Jacob next to so many others of him and Colin. I just close my eyes and try to feel his cheek and remember his warm skin, his bright eyes. I try so hard to remember kissing him and holding him, hearing him laugh or talk to me. I open my eyes so I can see his smile and his eyes near mine. I am pretending. It always becomes clear...over and over as I eventually just feel the cold glass of the frame- I am pretending and I fall apart. I do this so many times every week- the same picture- the same longing just to feel you again Jacob. The hole is just too deep sometimes. Its gut wrenching loss- sadness I have never known before. I can't even describe that low- the one that takes hold and forces all the air from my lungs and I can't breathe for a second. I can't swallow. Why Jacob? Why us? Why Colin? So many questions. I had two beautiful boys and would just feel so lucky sometimes that I couldn't even believe it. Why couldn't he have been ok? Why couldn't it have happened- whatever the heck happened- why couldn't it have been in the day? Why the middle of the night when I just didn't know? What did I miss? Did he suffer- suffocate alone- those words are the same to me. How could he be gone when he was happy and playing? Yes, he had some mild wheezing for the first time ever from this virus, but it only lasted 10 minutes on only 2 occasions over the prior 2 days- both times htough when he woke up from a nap or sleep so why didn't I worry more? The worst part is, I answer back- because he wasn't that sick- kids wheeze with viruses all the time for days on end, kids will have a croupy cough and not die!! He didn't even have a fever, miss a meal, stop running, playing and smiling. I'm tired and I want him back. I want to wake up and have my twins, my two guys, my eternally happy husband-- my happiness and joy, my family, my old person. I can imagine it- its so far away.
I have said before that my biggest fear is Jacob will be forgotten. I just can't help but think all the time that there are only a finite few people in this world that knew Jacob. No one will ever. meet. him. again. No one. Only a few really knew his smile and personality and I know I am his mom but to me, I think those few are so very lucky, so very important to me, to Colin, Russ and our unborn children because their memories of him and ours are all that is left of him and I am fiercely protective of them. I am so thankful for our friends and family who still talk about him, know that I have twins and still believe that I do. I am so thankful to them for still knowing I am living a nightmare no matter how many days pass and who help me stay distracted sometimes and just hang out, have play dates, go out to dinner and just try to be me but still will listen and let me talk about it, offer to help with the walk from buying hoola hoops to making me a memory blanket... or just let me cry. I am so very thankful for those in our lives who just have no idea how much they help us just by being good friends to us and to Colin.
All that is left of Jacob is his memories and those whose hearts he lives on in. It hurts beyond speakable words- more true pain when my heart just can't handle much more- when people who knew him and loved us and him- some who even watched the horror of Jacob dying- of Russ and I falling over his little lifeless body, with tubes everywhere, cut open, watched Russ and I live the unimaginable losing him before their eyes- less than a year later, wont talk about him- won't speak his name- wont listen or talk or even be there sometimes. Don't they know? Don't they see how important they are to us, to Colin, to our unborn? They are the precious few. Jacob is gone from this earth but he was here, so alive, so beautiful and funny and sweet and cute. They and we are all we have in him. I am fiercely protective over him even now-maybe even more now. He will always be my first. I hope he knew and still knows how much I love him.
For now, everyday I live is a day closer to being with him. I won't stop loving Jacob, but I also won't stop searching and hoping for some joy. I won't stop loving my babies- every single one of them. For now, my focus is on Russ and Colin walking beside me and Jacob looking down on me. I won't stop going forward because I love all so much. More than anything or anyone. Hug your family.
Last night, I stood in our empty bedroom like I have done so many times before with my face pressed up against a big picture I have of Jacob next to so many others of him and Colin. I just close my eyes and try to feel his cheek and remember his warm skin, his bright eyes. I try so hard to remember kissing him and holding him, hearing him laugh or talk to me. I open my eyes so I can see his smile and his eyes near mine. I am pretending. It always becomes clear...over and over as I eventually just feel the cold glass of the frame- I am pretending and I fall apart. I do this so many times every week- the same picture- the same longing just to feel you again Jacob. The hole is just too deep sometimes. Its gut wrenching loss- sadness I have never known before. I can't even describe that low- the one that takes hold and forces all the air from my lungs and I can't breathe for a second. I can't swallow. Why Jacob? Why us? Why Colin? So many questions. I had two beautiful boys and would just feel so lucky sometimes that I couldn't even believe it. Why couldn't he have been ok? Why couldn't it have happened- whatever the heck happened- why couldn't it have been in the day? Why the middle of the night when I just didn't know? What did I miss? Did he suffer- suffocate alone- those words are the same to me. How could he be gone when he was happy and playing? Yes, he had some mild wheezing for the first time ever from this virus, but it only lasted 10 minutes on only 2 occasions over the prior 2 days- both times htough when he woke up from a nap or sleep so why didn't I worry more? The worst part is, I answer back- because he wasn't that sick- kids wheeze with viruses all the time for days on end, kids will have a croupy cough and not die!! He didn't even have a fever, miss a meal, stop running, playing and smiling. I'm tired and I want him back. I want to wake up and have my twins, my two guys, my eternally happy husband-- my happiness and joy, my family, my old person. I can imagine it- its so far away.
I have said before that my biggest fear is Jacob will be forgotten. I just can't help but think all the time that there are only a finite few people in this world that knew Jacob. No one will ever. meet. him. again. No one. Only a few really knew his smile and personality and I know I am his mom but to me, I think those few are so very lucky, so very important to me, to Colin, Russ and our unborn children because their memories of him and ours are all that is left of him and I am fiercely protective of them. I am so thankful for our friends and family who still talk about him, know that I have twins and still believe that I do. I am so thankful to them for still knowing I am living a nightmare no matter how many days pass and who help me stay distracted sometimes and just hang out, have play dates, go out to dinner and just try to be me but still will listen and let me talk about it, offer to help with the walk from buying hoola hoops to making me a memory blanket... or just let me cry. I am so very thankful for those in our lives who just have no idea how much they help us just by being good friends to us and to Colin.
All that is left of Jacob is his memories and those whose hearts he lives on in. It hurts beyond speakable words- more true pain when my heart just can't handle much more- when people who knew him and loved us and him- some who even watched the horror of Jacob dying- of Russ and I falling over his little lifeless body, with tubes everywhere, cut open, watched Russ and I live the unimaginable losing him before their eyes- less than a year later, wont talk about him- won't speak his name- wont listen or talk or even be there sometimes. Don't they know? Don't they see how important they are to us, to Colin, to our unborn? They are the precious few. Jacob is gone from this earth but he was here, so alive, so beautiful and funny and sweet and cute. They and we are all we have in him. I am fiercely protective over him even now-maybe even more now. He will always be my first. I hope he knew and still knows how much I love him.
For now, everyday I live is a day closer to being with him. I won't stop loving Jacob, but I also won't stop searching and hoping for some joy. I won't stop loving my babies- every single one of them. For now, my focus is on Russ and Colin walking beside me and Jacob looking down on me. I won't stop going forward because I love all so much. More than anything or anyone. Hug your family.
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