Just enough

 

   Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere- for a moment I will be "ok" watching Colin..smiling at his sweet face and curly blonde hair or laughing at something he has said and then I will catch a glimpse of Jacob- in a picture on the refrigerator or on the wall, while passing the toy lawn mower that he loved that I would give my life to be annoyed by again as he sped behind it- and I crumble.  I smile, I sob, I laugh, I cry, I break, I piece back just enough to get though and then I repeat. Such incredible loss. I look around sometimes at other parents and feel uncomfortable jealousy of a life that doesn't know this kind of pain.  The kind that literally takes your breath away.

     I would give anything for one more hug, one more kiss, one more, "I lubba you mommy."  I still go to bed at night thinking..oh please don't let me wake up as I think about my baby who I miss and long for just as much as I adored and loved him when he was here.  I love and miss him more everyday just like I love Colin more with each passing day.  Colin- leaving this world might let me be with half of my heart while leaving the other behind.  It is a horrible struggle I feel every moment that I think I just can't take another step, live another minute, take another breath without him. 

.....then I wake up and piece just enough together...just enough.

 And I can go for a few hours with friends and smile and laugh..then drive the whole way home crying.  We took Colin to the pumpkin patch and I cried so hard in the parking lot walking out remembering Jacob the two years passed, that I saw more than 1 person staring. 

 

This is our life- so much pain mixed with so many loving friends and family...and our Colin. 

I have a hard time being around people who didn't know Jacob- who never met him or who don't know that I have twins.  It feels scary and unreal. Its hard to describe and yet I don't know if this will ever really change.  I looked around at all of our friends who came to Jacob's memorial site a few weeks ago to help release butterflies and balloons to our little man and I thought..we love these people...because they mean so much to us but also because each and everyone of them carries just a small piece of Jacob by knowing him...by remembering something he did or said or what he looked like and that is the Jacob we have today.  Its all we have and I love them- everyone of them.  Its our memories of him and for us its the part of our hearts he will always take up fully despite the emptiness and loss. 

I smile, I sob, I laugh, I cry, I break, I piece back...never all the way, but for now just enough.

I love you Jacob and Colin--with every part of me...