Say Something....

    Today was Colin's Christmas festival at his school.  I sat there just totally absorbed in our sweet Colin up on stage singing his little songs (or just staring up at the ceiling or bowing!).  Then I felt my ever- familiar emptiness.  The weight- as I saw my Jacob sized hole up on that stage.  He should have been there next to Colin.  I know he would not have been singing and just looking around sweetly and I know I would have been overcome with complete joy at that sight.  So many moments that I have already cried over knowing I will never see..them getting on a school bus together- I literally can see the back of his little blonde head next to Colin's going up the stairs to the bus- their graduations, their weddings, their children..all the things I thought I would see them do together.  But these moments catch me off guard and hit me so hard because I realize there are so many moments- even the most seemingly dull to the most important that I just didn't think about and it brings me to tears.  I can't breathe. 
    We had to drop off Colin in the Chapel.  I watched all the happy parents with their kids stroll right in laughing with grandparents.  I stopped 10 feet from the door and felt such a heaviness in my chest.  I can't do it- I can't walk in there.  That is where Jacob's funeral was. I can't.  I watch the smiles of everyone around me and I physically can't breathe.  Russ nods and touches my back moving past me with strength holding Colin's hand and I retreat backwards.  There are some parents who are sweet to us and nod or say they are thinking of us but others who I know somehow think I am a terrible parent for sending Jacob to school the Friday before he died. How could I send him to school and expose their children?  They have no idea.   I want to yell or scream..don't you get it, he was well and then on Saturday had a mild virus.  I had no idea.  Don't you know I look at pictures of me laying on the couch the week before he died holding him screaming at my then-self- that is the last time you will do that with your baby.  How could you not have known?!! How stupid you are..what a bad mom, a bad pediatrician!  To the mother of the little girl in Jacob's class last year- Don't you know how lucky and blessed you are to have your child- how dare you act so meanly to Russ and to me- Jacob?   We have no idea how or why Jacob died but he died of something so rare- something we don't even



understand and it wasn't contagious.   Our baby is dead.  Our baby is dead.  We are leaving this Christmas program, crossing the parking lot going to the grave of our 27 month old twin son in tears-our son who was so beloved- who I still don't think I can survive without.

     I have always been sensitive.  But now it's so much worse.  I am most sensitive to the people I loved though.  There are people in my life- some who even knew Jacob so well- who I really thought would be there forever and would remain such good friends, such important family...who now say nothing.  I don't see them often or I know we are not on their minds anymore.  We went through our first real "family" holiday and there was a lot of silence everywhere.  Some of that silence was in my own head missing Jacob so much- it was hard to be present.  But to me, there are so few people who really knew Jacob.  To me, those friends and family are so blessed to have known him and his sweet little personality even if just for a short time- I guess every mom who loses their baby feels this way.  He was such a sweet little boy, so sensitive, so full of joy and smiles- I need them.  I need them so much because the number of people who knew Jake is finite. No one else will ever know him.  I need their memories of him- Say something- I need them for me but also for Colin.  He may not remember Jacob at all and I need those memories to tell Colin about his brother.  My worst fear as his mom is that he will be forgotten- that I won't be able to tell Colin enough- I won't be able to remember enough.  I need those people- please say something is all I can think sometimes- even if just to tell us you still think of Jacob and of us.  I need them to talk about him.  As much as I hate to burden people and make people uncomfortable, I still need those friends and family to think of us- not so much for me but to know that Jacob has not been forgotten already.  That fear overwhelms me.
     We were told early on by friends who have gone through the worst living nightmare of losing your child that some friends will be there at first, do or say they will do things and will then fade away slowly becoming strangers to you as suddenly you realize you can't talk about your baby anymore with them and some who you never thought will be so present.  I am not sure I processed this at the time- I don't think I could even care at the time, but I do now.  I don't want to lose those friends who knew him.  I thought they would be there for me but ultimately I thought they would be there for Jacob and it hurts more than I can say.  More than hurt- it makes me scared. I don't want to lose their memories in our lives- in Colin's life.  I know I just need to accept that some people are not going to be the friends or family that we thought- they have their own lives and are busy and maybe are just uncomfortable.  I know I need to accept this and I know eventually I will.  I sometimes think it may be I am too sad now.  I know I have changed so I can't really blame them.  I know I will never be the person I was before so I need to let them and it go.  I just wish it didn't hurt so much.  I wish I wasn't so scared.
    Most days though I am so focused on my "Jacob sized hole."  I see him- or his absence- everywhere I go- everything I do in someway reminds me of him and I imagine what he would be doing or saying.  Most of the time, it brings me to my knees in tears.  But every once in a million times, I smile imagining my baby.  I would give anything- do anything- to have him alive again.  I miss every little thing about you Jacob- every.little.thing.  I won't forget.  I know I will never forget and will always talk about you- every single day.