My arms were made for two..

I remember the last minute I held you so vividly- 6 years later. So much of that day is gone from my soul- restricted. I believe that allows me to go on living bc the pain of remembering every minute might take me. You felt heavy covered in wires and swollen from hours of trying to save you- I can still feel you. Your sweet belly was cut open to relieve the pressure on your kidneys from all the swelling that happened when the machines made your heart beat again.  I cradled your hand and your foot and felt ultimate despair and desperation- this can't be happening.  I remember not being able to see through the tears as your blonde hair almost looked like a cloud around your  head. How much I loved your hair—it seemed to gleam against your blue eyes and that day was no different. I couldn’t see your eyes in those last moments even though I kept opening your eyes to see my babies soul one more time-  and I kept thinking this could not be real- you would sit up any minute and tell me you were “ok” like you always did.  For you just did just the day before when you fell in the grass running through the yard giggling that pure joy laugh you had. You would get up and walk again and use those sweet, chubby feet I cradled in my hands. I longed for God to please take me instead. I couldn’t go on without you. I couldn’t hand you over and watch you die. I couldn’t ride that elevator down to the parking lot next to my husband who for the first time could not comfort me in despair himself-- and walk out holding just Colin. My arms were made for both of you and I couldn’t do it. 
  I sit here just days away from six years later many days still in total pain. These last few weeks leading up to another anniversary of your death are no easier than the those leading up to the first year.  And for some reason this one feels even worse- I am mad about that. Maybe because the memory of you has faded in people around me, maybe just because life has been just a little more stressful lately, a little more lonely and sad maybe— maybe there is no reason at all and there doesn’t have to be. I put on my happy as much as I can and I try to be a good mom, wife and friend but sometimes I just want to be with you. I take comfort in the fact that I am one day closer to holding you again- every.single.day. Some days are easier than others and I feel real joy- the kind of joy I thought would never be possible- how could it be- this day, this baby, this unreality of losing my healthy two year old- it would never get better like every other sad or bad in our life would. Not this time. I am so grateful for our family and honestly I would not make it through without my true good friends— even though I have a very small circle—who love me in the good days and bad and who have given so much love and support.  The ones who are just good friends to me and to Russ all the time.  Those who remember you..even some who have never met you..they are most important to me. I know the day - March 25, 2019 will come and go and Russ and I will still be standing on the other side.  A living reminder to appreciate every day and love your family and friends hard- because life can be inexplicably short.
#JacobsJoy


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I would give my life up in a second....

I wish I had a choice. I wish I could choose for it to be me so you could live your beautiful life, Jacob.  I would give absolutely anything for you to be alive and laughing and smiling here in your house, with your brother. I miss every little thing about you..your joy...your smile...your eyes...your birth mark on your right leg...your little chubby feet...the little dimples in your hands...how smoothly you ran and climbed with such ease....the way you shot a basketball at 2 years old in the perfect jump shot...I remember coming home and seeing your smile at the top of the stairs...I remember watching you for a few seconds when I would come pick you up at preschool--before you noticed me--you would be playing with a toy on your own but looking up at the other kids so often just watching everyone--then you would see me and your whole face would light up and I felt my heart melt...every.single.time...as you yelled "mommy, mommy"...I miss watching you bounce on "Hannah Eva" trampoline--your blonde straight hair bounding with you as you laughed..I miss seeing you in the corner of the living room all by yourself just turning pages of a book with the sun shining on your head...I miss your little high pitched voice and you reaching up to me all the time saying "hold you mommy"...I miss carrying you on my hip as I just did what I had to do you just so content to be held...I remember how you felt when I would carry you up the stairs at night with your head on my shoulder and your little arms straight by your side turned backwards like it was your most comfortable spot...I miss hearing your little feet move so fast as you ran around in circles downstairs...I miss how you used to walk swaying back and forth like you just had so much happiness it was the only way you could let it out...I miss hearing you in your car seat just talking and talking to no one in particular about nothing in particular and thinking- he just loves to talk...I miss how sensitive you were even though it would break my heart sometimes when you would get scared and come running to me...I miss that you needed and loved your mommy and your daddy...I miss the way you looked at me and epecially your daddy...that night daddy was playing airplane with Colin on the floor and I was changing you..you looked over at him with a huge smile like you knew your turn was next...I miss your laugh...oh your laugh....I miss taking you for walks in your stroller and your big smile when I would strap you in..I miss going into your room at night and just picking you up to give you a "squeeze" and you would say " I wanna go night night" and then I would feel bad for waking you- I just couldn't help it..I loved you so much and needed to hug you..now I am so glad I did...I miss the way you looked at Colin that very first time you noticed him when you were 4 or 5 months old, you looked at him and smiled and I cried...I miss you with Colin...I miss you with your brother...I miss my twins.

365

I have started to write a new entry so many times over the past few months.  Every time, I sobbed so hard after a few sentences that I couldn't keep writing- it was too hard.  I'm tired.  Honestly, I'm tired of living without you my little man at least a large part of everyday and sometimes it scares me.  I don't want to.  I hate that I have cried more over the past 11 and a half months then most people do in a life time.  Then I see Colin's smile or my husbands tears and I feel like I want to try to be stronger.  I just wish I was who I was before.   I can't believe that in just a few weeks it will be one whole year since I kissed my sweet baby- since I saw him smile- heard his sweet voice.  I don't want that day to come.  I feel like it will kill me- literally I feel like I can't take anymore firsts without him and I am scared of that day.  The first anniversary - the 24th and the 25th.  The days that my whole life shattered- audibly.  The day my heart was broken permanently and the three boys I love the most broke around me too. 

Last night, I stood in our empty bedroom like I have done so many times before with my face pressed up against a big picture I have of Jacob next to so many others of him and Colin.  I just close my eyes and try to feel his cheek and remember his warm skin, his bright eyes.  I try so hard to remember kissing him and holding him, hearing him laugh or talk to me. I open my eyes so I can see his smile and his eyes near mine.  I am pretending.  It always becomes clear...over and over as I eventually just feel the cold glass of the frame- I am pretending and I fall apart.  I do this so many times every week- the same picture- the same longing just to feel you again Jacob.  The hole is just too deep sometimes.  Its gut wrenching loss- sadness I have never known before.  I can't even describe that low- the one that takes hold and forces all the air from my lungs and I can't breathe for a second.  I can't swallow.  Why Jacob? Why us?  Why Colin?  So many questions.   I had two beautiful boys and would just feel so lucky sometimes that I couldn't even believe it.  Why couldn't he have been ok?  Why couldn't it have happened- whatever the heck happened- why couldn't it have been in the day?  Why the middle of the night when I just didn't know? What did I miss?  Did he suffer- suffocate alone- those words are the same to me.  How could he be gone when he was happy and playing?  Yes, he had some mild wheezing for the first time ever from this virus, but it only lasted 10 minutes on only 2 occasions over the prior 2 days- both times htough when he woke up from a nap or sleep so why didn't I worry more?  The worst part is, I answer back- because he wasn't that sick- kids wheeze with viruses all the time for days on end, kids will have a croupy cough and not die!!  He didn't even have a fever, miss a meal, stop running, playing and smiling.   I'm tired and I want him back.  I want to wake up and have my twins, my two guys, my eternally happy husband-- my happiness and joy, my family, my old person.  I can imagine it- its so far away.

I have said before that my biggest fear is Jacob will be forgotten.  I just can't help but think all the time that there are only a finite few people in this world that knew Jacob.  No one will ever. meet. him. again.  No one.  Only a few really knew his smile and personality and I know I am his mom but to me, I think those few are so very lucky, so very important to me, to Colin, Russ and our unborn children because their memories of him and ours are all that is left of him and I am fiercely protective of them.  I am so thankful for our friends and family who still talk about him, know that I have twins and still believe that I do.  I am so thankful to them for still knowing I am living a nightmare no matter how many days pass and who help me stay distracted sometimes and just hang out, have play dates, go out to dinner and just try to be me but still will listen and let me talk about it, offer to help with the walk from buying hoola hoops to making me a memory blanket... or just let me cry.  I am so very thankful for those in our lives who just have no idea how much they help us just by being good friends to us and to Colin. 

All that is left of Jacob is his memories and those whose hearts he lives on in.  It hurts beyond speakable words- more true pain when my heart just can't handle much more- when people who knew him and loved us and him- some who even watched the horror of Jacob dying- of Russ and I falling over his little lifeless body, with tubes everywhere, cut open, watched Russ and I live the unimaginable losing him before their eyes- less than a year later, wont talk about him- won't speak his name- wont listen or talk or even be there sometimes.  Don't they know?  Don't they see how important they are to us, to Colin, to our unborn? They are the precious few.  Jacob is gone from this earth but he was here, so alive, so beautiful and funny and sweet and cute. They and we are all we have in him.  I am fiercely protective over him even now-maybe even more now.  He will always be my first.  I hope he knew and still knows how much I love him.

For now, everyday I live is a day closer to being with him.  I won't stop loving Jacob, but I also won't stop searching and hoping for some joy.  I won't stop loving my babies- every single one of them.  For now, my focus is on Russ and Colin walking beside me and Jacob looking down on me.  I won't stop going forward because I love all so much.  More than anything or anyone.  Hug your family.

Say Something....

    Today was Colin's Christmas festival at his school.  I sat there just totally absorbed in our sweet Colin up on stage singing his little songs (or just staring up at the ceiling or bowing!).  Then I felt my ever- familiar emptiness.  The weight- as I saw my Jacob sized hole up on that stage.  He should have been there next to Colin.  I know he would not have been singing and just looking around sweetly and I know I would have been overcome with complete joy at that sight.  So many moments that I have already cried over knowing I will never see..them getting on a school bus together- I literally can see the back of his little blonde head next to Colin's going up the stairs to the bus- their graduations, their weddings, their children..all the things I thought I would see them do together.  But these moments catch me off guard and hit me so hard because I realize there are so many moments- even the most seemingly dull to the most important that I just didn't think about and it brings me to tears.  I can't breathe. 
    We had to drop off Colin in the Chapel.  I watched all the happy parents with their kids stroll right in laughing with grandparents.  I stopped 10 feet from the door and felt such a heaviness in my chest.  I can't do it- I can't walk in there.  That is where Jacob's funeral was. I can't.  I watch the smiles of everyone around me and I physically can't breathe.  Russ nods and touches my back moving past me with strength holding Colin's hand and I retreat backwards.  There are some parents who are sweet to us and nod or say they are thinking of us but others who I know somehow think I am a terrible parent for sending Jacob to school the Friday before he died. How could I send him to school and expose their children?  They have no idea.   I want to yell or scream..don't you get it, he was well and then on Saturday had a mild virus.  I had no idea.  Don't you know I look at pictures of me laying on the couch the week before he died holding him screaming at my then-self- that is the last time you will do that with your baby.  How could you not have known?!! How stupid you are..what a bad mom, a bad pediatrician!  To the mother of the little girl in Jacob's class last year- Don't you know how lucky and blessed you are to have your child- how dare you act so meanly to Russ and to me- Jacob?   We have no idea how or why Jacob died but he died of something so rare- something we don't even



understand and it wasn't contagious.   Our baby is dead.  Our baby is dead.  We are leaving this Christmas program, crossing the parking lot going to the grave of our 27 month old twin son in tears-our son who was so beloved- who I still don't think I can survive without.

     I have always been sensitive.  But now it's so much worse.  I am most sensitive to the people I loved though.  There are people in my life- some who even knew Jacob so well- who I really thought would be there forever and would remain such good friends, such important family...who now say nothing.  I don't see them often or I know we are not on their minds anymore.  We went through our first real "family" holiday and there was a lot of silence everywhere.  Some of that silence was in my own head missing Jacob so much- it was hard to be present.  But to me, there are so few people who really knew Jacob.  To me, those friends and family are so blessed to have known him and his sweet little personality even if just for a short time- I guess every mom who loses their baby feels this way.  He was such a sweet little boy, so sensitive, so full of joy and smiles- I need them.  I need them so much because the number of people who knew Jake is finite. No one else will ever know him.  I need their memories of him- Say something- I need them for me but also for Colin.  He may not remember Jacob at all and I need those memories to tell Colin about his brother.  My worst fear as his mom is that he will be forgotten- that I won't be able to tell Colin enough- I won't be able to remember enough.  I need those people- please say something is all I can think sometimes- even if just to tell us you still think of Jacob and of us.  I need them to talk about him.  As much as I hate to burden people and make people uncomfortable, I still need those friends and family to think of us- not so much for me but to know that Jacob has not been forgotten already.  That fear overwhelms me.
     We were told early on by friends who have gone through the worst living nightmare of losing your child that some friends will be there at first, do or say they will do things and will then fade away slowly becoming strangers to you as suddenly you realize you can't talk about your baby anymore with them and some who you never thought will be so present.  I am not sure I processed this at the time- I don't think I could even care at the time, but I do now.  I don't want to lose those friends who knew him.  I thought they would be there for me but ultimately I thought they would be there for Jacob and it hurts more than I can say.  More than hurt- it makes me scared. I don't want to lose their memories in our lives- in Colin's life.  I know I just need to accept that some people are not going to be the friends or family that we thought- they have their own lives and are busy and maybe are just uncomfortable.  I know I need to accept this and I know eventually I will.  I sometimes think it may be I am too sad now.  I know I have changed so I can't really blame them.  I know I will never be the person I was before so I need to let them and it go.  I just wish it didn't hurt so much.  I wish I wasn't so scared.
    Most days though I am so focused on my "Jacob sized hole."  I see him- or his absence- everywhere I go- everything I do in someway reminds me of him and I imagine what he would be doing or saying.  Most of the time, it brings me to my knees in tears.  But every once in a million times, I smile imagining my baby.  I would give anything- do anything- to have him alive again.  I miss every little thing about you Jacob- every.little.thing.  I won't forget.  I know I will never forget and will always talk about you- every single day. 

Just enough

 

   Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere- for a moment I will be "ok" watching Colin..smiling at his sweet face and curly blonde hair or laughing at something he has said and then I will catch a glimpse of Jacob- in a picture on the refrigerator or on the wall, while passing the toy lawn mower that he loved that I would give my life to be annoyed by again as he sped behind it- and I crumble.  I smile, I sob, I laugh, I cry, I break, I piece back just enough to get though and then I repeat. Such incredible loss. I look around sometimes at other parents and feel uncomfortable jealousy of a life that doesn't know this kind of pain.  The kind that literally takes your breath away.

     I would give anything for one more hug, one more kiss, one more, "I lubba you mommy."  I still go to bed at night thinking..oh please don't let me wake up as I think about my baby who I miss and long for just as much as I adored and loved him when he was here.  I love and miss him more everyday just like I love Colin more with each passing day.  Colin- leaving this world might let me be with half of my heart while leaving the other behind.  It is a horrible struggle I feel every moment that I think I just can't take another step, live another minute, take another breath without him. 

.....then I wake up and piece just enough together...just enough.

 And I can go for a few hours with friends and smile and laugh..then drive the whole way home crying.  We took Colin to the pumpkin patch and I cried so hard in the parking lot walking out remembering Jacob the two years passed, that I saw more than 1 person staring. 

 

This is our life- so much pain mixed with so many loving friends and family...and our Colin. 

I have a hard time being around people who didn't know Jacob- who never met him or who don't know that I have twins.  It feels scary and unreal. Its hard to describe and yet I don't know if this will ever really change.  I looked around at all of our friends who came to Jacob's memorial site a few weeks ago to help release butterflies and balloons to our little man and I thought..we love these people...because they mean so much to us but also because each and everyone of them carries just a small piece of Jacob by knowing him...by remembering something he did or said or what he looked like and that is the Jacob we have today.  Its all we have and I love them- everyone of them.  Its our memories of him and for us its the part of our hearts he will always take up fully despite the emptiness and loss. 

I smile, I sob, I laugh, I cry, I break, I piece back...never all the way, but for now just enough.

I love you Jacob and Colin--with every part of me...

                                           

Leaning Over....

Jacob's crib is still the way it always was. After he died, (almost 6 months and writing that still makes me want to throw up), we took Colin's crib down and got him a big boy bed with new sheets and new colors.  Both the boys names were on the wall in hanging letters and I decided that I couldn't take Jake's down without something else in its place..it felt so wrong--just like our lives without him feel so wrong and so empty.  So I got new ones for Colin in red and behind Jacob's crib I put up pictures and different letters...ones I wish never came out our mouths..

The letters are behind his crib- I just thought having those there might make taking his crib down someday easier for us.  We hung them low so Colin would always be able to see pictures of Jake and most of them are the two of them together.  But, we can't do it. His crib still covers the letters and pictures.   His bed is such a place of pain and tears now- once a place of peace and such joy.  I remember going in and staring at him, sometimes I would pick him up--just Jacob and feel his head on my shoulder and his little hand in mine.  I didn't do this with Colin because I knew he would be up for good..but Jacob snuggled and fell back asleep- what.I.wouldn't.give. 

Now, I can't count the number of nights I have gone into the boys room after Colin has fallen to sleep-- I tuck him in and make sure he is ok and then I turn to Jacobs crib and just lean over the rail and cry.  I touch his bed and almost can feel him sleeping there imagining running my fingers through his hair like I used to and covering his feet with his blankie.  I can see his head.  I lean over the rail for what seems like an hour and run my fingers over the places on his crib rail that he started to chew before we realized what was going on and quickly covered it up.  I am so glad we didn't get it fixed.  Its like a part of him..where he was and what he did and I lean there over that rail and run my fingers over that area over and over until there are just no more tears left. 

The other night I caught Russ doing the same thing...leaning, tears.  Why does this have to be our life.  Why have we lost our sweet baby. 

Tomorrow we are bringing Colin to school for the first time.  I can't believe that I won't see Jacob's little blonde head next to Colin's going down that hallway.  It is almost too much to bare. We were trying to get the camera together earlier and I noticed Russ fumbling with the battery..I asked him what was wrong before I realized he was just so sad, so heartbroken too sitting on the floor of his office imagining tomorrow as he tearfully said--he should be going to the 2s class too.  I would give anything to take away just some of the pain I see in my husband.  I am tired.  I just want my son back, I want my husbands little guy, my Colin's twin brother..I want and miss every part of him and realize that he makes up so much of each of us and that is what is heart wrenching trying to get through each day.

One day at a time.  I hope we can get through this week and find some joy and happiness in our little boy, Colin's smile.  I hope we can take pictures of him and be excited for his first day tomorrow- because he saves me everyday. I love you so much Colin Joseph.  You are my love and my everyday reminder of our sweet Jacob too- I see so much of him in you and your heart.  You are so, so sweet and I am so, so proud of you.  I wish more than anything for you, my sweet Colin, more than anyone, that this picture from your very first day of school ever with Jake just got older and older..I'm going to do my very best to show you as much love and happiness as I can and less tears and emptiness as times goes on in the hopes that I learn to feel closer to Jacob and carry him in our hearts- you deserve the world Col-baby.

Slow down, you're moving too fast...

The other night I was getting Colin ready for bed time routine and I went to the kitchen to get his milk and I pulled down two cups and open both tops and started to pour the milk...I stopped half way, put the milk down and just felt the familiar nauseating sadness- an emptiness that makes me feel like a shell of myself and I can feel my shattered life around me physically-its indescribably almost.  He is here...he has to be.  He is upstairs, in his room, walking through the foyer pushing his toy lawn mower.  He is supposed to be anyway..

2 weeks ago I missed our counseling sesion to bring food to Charlotte and visit with Russ's dad who just had surgery.  It was amazing to me how missing one week of talking with him felt like I sunk a little deeper.  His gift is helping us through the most difficult time of our lives---I told him how this had happened and he said something to the effect of --our brains are wired to be Jacob's mom and dad--of course you got out two cups.  The heart and mind take time to catch up to such amazing loss. Will I ever? Will I ever feel true happiness again? Will I ever be able to look at a picture of Jacob and feel grateful, smile at his memory- sure with a hole in my heart that will never go away- but with some real and true joy again?

Slow down, you're moving too fast...

He said if he was a betting man, he would say yes.  Oh how I hope this is true.  Oh, how I wish I could move fast.  I am still falling fast though--some days just deeper and deeper into missing my little man and everything about him.  I can still feel his little body against me when I would pick him up to take him upstairs.  Scarily, I feel like there are a lot of memories that I no matter how hard I try, I can't remember.  But some moments are there..and are so vivid.   I look at pictures and think..he only had two months left to live.  I think about me, my life at the time, how easy it all was and yet how sometimes I felt like it wasn't juggling trying to be the best mom to them I could, my job and being a good wife, daughter and friend---I had no idea how easy it was.  So much is now hard and the hardest thing is imagining a life missing Jacob and his sweet voice and laugh and smile and beautiful blue eyes looking at me everyday. Imagining this pain for the next 50 years, the next 1 year, the next month and sometimes the next minute is more that I feel I can handle most moments of my days.  What happened...what happened? My buddy who was so sweet, so layed back...he loved life and lived everyday like it was his last....

                                          At Nana's Beach...



I heard a voicemail message from someone so dear to me and close to my heart...he lives far away now, but he is the one pediatrician, father and person I looked up to the most as my mentor through high school and all the way through residency and later... a friend.  He was calling to say he cared-- to say he wanted to talk-- to let us know he and his wife were praying and thinking of us..(these calls mean the very most to me--even if I can't always pick up because I feel so alone a lot)...I sobbed through the whole voicemail though because hearing his voice-- in an instant I realized he might know how it might feel as a doctor to imagine this kind of pain and this kind of wondering how your baby could die 25 feet from your room, and just never being able to know the medical cause or reason...how to wrap my head around this.  It just doesn't make sense and I hate it.  I miss him and his wife and children who I used to babysit for when I was in college and high school. Now their baby is going to college and I thought of them--  This man influenced me in so many ways..to become a pediatrician..his wife made me know what kind of mom I wanted to be and how to run a big family that I knew I wanted more than anything.  I was so innocent and wide-eyed...just like I think back to how I used to be when I had both my boys with such ease and happiness, I think back to that time with them and just wish I had that again.   This just wasn't ever what I expected and now my worst fear is living in pain without my baby.  

For now, I search for hope.  I search for hope that I will someday hold my sweet Jacob again and everyday that goes by, I need to hold onto Colin and Russ tight as we journey to that day.  God give me the grace and faith to get through my days and learn how to pray to you again...really pray in faith like I used to...and to live for my husband and Colin...for now.

In Charleston..our first trip without Jake