The letters are behind his crib- I just thought having those there might make taking his crib down someday easier for us. We hung them low so Colin would always be able to see pictures of Jake and most of them are the two of them together. But, we can't do it. His crib still covers the letters and pictures. His bed is such a place of pain and tears now- once a place of peace and such joy. I remember going in and staring at him, sometimes I would pick him up--just Jacob and feel his head on my shoulder and his little hand in mine. I didn't do this with Colin because I knew he would be up for good..but Jacob snuggled and fell back asleep- what.I.wouldn't.give.
Now, I can't count the number of nights I have gone into the boys room after Colin has fallen to sleep-- I tuck him in and make sure he is ok and then I turn to Jacobs crib and just lean over the rail and cry. I touch his bed and almost can feel him sleeping there imagining running my fingers through his hair like I used to and covering his feet with his blankie. I can see his head. I lean over the rail for what seems like an hour and run my fingers over the places on his crib rail that he started to chew before we realized what was going on and quickly covered it up. I am so glad we didn't get it fixed. Its like a part of him..where he was and what he did and I lean there over that rail and run my fingers over that area over and over until there are just no more tears left.
The other night I caught Russ doing the same thing...leaning, tears. Why does this have to be our life. Why have we lost our sweet baby.
Tomorrow we are bringing Colin to school for the first time. I can't believe that I won't see Jacob's little blonde head next to Colin's going down that hallway. It is almost too much to bare. We were trying to get the camera together earlier and I noticed Russ fumbling with the battery..I asked him what was wrong before I realized he was just so sad, so heartbroken too sitting on the floor of his office imagining tomorrow as he tearfully said--he should be going to the 2s class too. I would give anything to take away just some of the pain I see in my husband. I am tired. I just want my son back, I want my husbands little guy, my Colin's twin brother..I want and miss every part of him and realize that he makes up so much of each of us and that is what is heart wrenching trying to get through each day.
One day at a time. I hope we can get through this week and find some joy and happiness in our little boy, Colin's smile. I hope we can take pictures of him and be excited for his first day tomorrow- because he saves me everyday. I love you so much Colin Joseph. You are my love and my everyday reminder of our sweet Jacob too- I see so much of him in you and your heart. You are so, so sweet and I am so, so proud of you. I wish more than anything for you, my sweet Colin, more than anyone, that this picture from your very first day of school ever with Jake just got older and older..I'm going to do my very best to show you as much love and happiness as I can and less tears and emptiness as times goes on in the hopes that I learn to feel closer to Jacob and carry him in our hearts- you deserve the world Col-baby.
